A Journey of Love
Learning to Love My Precious Body
Dear body,
I have been at war with you for most of my life. The only reason bodies were talked about growing up in my home was if they were thin or fat, and it felt very clear to me that thin was the only way to be. Most emotions were not welcome besides the pleasant, loving, sweet, grateful, and kind ones, so I learned to swallow the others. I always felt like you were too sensitive, too fearful, too tall, not smart enough, funny enough, or pretty enough.
I first started obsessing over how thin you were in high school. I would stare with disgust at you for hours on end, picking you apart, imagining all the things I would change to make you beautiful and desirable. I was disgusted by you most of the time. I would stare at magazines for hours, imagining how to put on make up and dress in ways that would make boys like you. That would “make you belong”.
Then when we were 17, we were hit by an ambulance and you experienced so much intense trauma that we have felt the repercussions of that day every day since. Your neck broke, your ribs broke, your lung collapsed, and your spleen ruptured. I was already very disassociated from you, but that only made it ten times worse. So my new story became that you were not only not pretty or thin enough, now you were a place of awful pain too. You carried so much emotional and physical pain in you but I couldn’t even feel it, you were too numb. I hated you and I was positive you hated me.
In college I joined a church that said I was a broken depraved wretch in need of a God outside of you to make you pure. I was told your feelings and emotions were deceitful, that your heart was not to be trusted, and that your fleshly desires were bad and sinful. Oh how I clung to those words. I absorbed them and fully embraced them because it expressed how I already felt about you. I went from starving you and not having a period for about a year in college to becoming a binger. I would jump back and forth from starving to stuffing, all in an attempt to numb all the big feelings inside of you that I had no idea how to feel.
A few years later you had another physical trauma when the wire from your fusion broke and pierced our brain stem. That was beyond painful and scary and we totally froze. For 7 years we laid in bed. I hated you. I hated my life. To numb all the physical and emotional pain I ate, I watched trashy tv, and I took every narcotic the doctors ordered. I did not want to be on this planet much less inside of you.
So many painful things happened in that time. We lost our daddy, our marriage, and our sense of self. I was so mad at you that I ignored you and spoke terribly about you. We broke down. Completely. It was the most shame you had felt in your life, which says a lot because you have been very well acquainted with shame as long as you could remember. It had been our constant secret companion. We never spoke of these things. We never let ourselves actually feel the feelings we talked about. We knew how to put a smile on our face when we needed to, though those closest to us were very worried.
After 7 years we had a complete nervous breakdown. The biggest one yet (oh the shame we felt). This became a catalyst for us to get off all the narcotics, thank God. We began learning how to live outside of our bed and to be single for the first time in 10 years. We were TERRIFIED! I still numbed you and avoided you. I turned to social media and validation from others as my newest main way to avoid feeling all the loss we had experienced. We white knuckled so much of our days. There were sweet and fun and hilarious moments, but because I was so disconnected from you I would push you beyond your limits and then have to get in bed for days on end to recover. It was exhausting.
We began making a living off of talking about the pain you feel and all you have lived through, but I still didn’t know how to be inside of you and feel what I was talking about. The pain in you was my complete identity. It was all I really talked about, and I felt worth and validation because I got a lot of attention for being the only human in the world that had had a wire pierce their brain. It made me feel special.
After a few years, I began the journey of unlearning - unlearning so many conditioned stories about you. Stories about you being bad and sinful and something just meant to be physically pleasing for others. Through friends, plants, teachers, and the divine, I started claiming and telling a new story. I started remembering that you are and always have been so good, wise, and worthy of deep communing. The emotions that I was taught were bad and sinful were just wanting to be felt, to be loved on. I remembered that no part of you was bad, and every single part of you belonged and was welcomed here.
I began to practice new ways of relating with you. To believe that your sensitivities are your superpower and that your deep well of feelings are a gift to the world. I began to write a new story for you, remembering that you were not just a place where I felt trauma, pain, heartbreak and loss, but also where I felt so much love. Love for so many precious humans going on this earth school journey with you. Love for all the animals and the woods and trees. I began to remember how we have felt so much delight and pleasure inside of you through travel, sitting across from friends and hearing their hearts, holding our nieces and nephews, and so many other precious children. We get to experience being held by lovers and experience joy through dance and music.
Your eyes have seen some of the most gorgeous sights the world has to offer, your ears have listened to music that has made you weep. We have laughed until we cried so many times. You have been held by so many friends when you needed comfort, you have walked barefoot on mama’s earth for miles and miles. You have felt and fully experienced the love of God inside of you which was, is, and always will be in you, even when you forget, and oh that has changed us.
You are always talking to me and I am slowly learning how to listen to you, how to comfort you, how to care for you, how to love you, and how to receive your love. You are getting to experience so much unconditional love from Eric and I am so proud of us for opening ourselves up to receiving that precious trust worthy man’s love. You are so wise, sweet body. Thank you, thank you for being with me, from the moment I took my first breath to the day I take my last. Thank you for carrying me through this life you strong, resilient, healing body. You have never just been the place of trauma, you have also been the place of all the goodness.
I love you, body. I am learning how to be your best friend and I am so grateful to be on this journey with you. Let’s be a light in this world. A mirror of the Divine’s love, a mirror of people’s goodness and worth, and a mirror for their bodies - that they are so good and loved too! I can’t wait to see all that is in store for us!
♡ Ruthie
Keep reading for:
Love Reflections 1:1 Sessions Details
Truth with Ruth with Madison Morrigan
Upcoming Offerings with Ruthie
Love Reflection 1:1 Sessions - 6 Month Container Now Available!
Learning how to bring radical self compassion and care to myself, to the places of deep shame and self loathing has been instrumental in my healing journey, as has learning to embody myself, to be in this present moment. It has made all the difference, and I’m so excited to share that with you in this offering!
I like to think that this container is a place of deep remembrance and unlearning - unlearning of all the the stories of what is so “wrong” with us and remembering our worth and divinity simply because we exist. This is our birthright, joy and pleasure and feeling all of your feelings, is your birthright!
I would be so deeply honored to go on this remembering journey with you, precious soul. It would be a true privilege to mirror to you how loved you are, how you are love! If you are interested or curious about this container, below is a link for a free explore call.
Click here to learn more and to book your Free Discovery Call.
Truth With Ruth: Madison Morrigan
I’m so grateful to introduce y'all to my friend, Madison. I have loved and admired her work for years. Her honesty, vulnerability and integrity are so inspiring. She is an incredible coach that helps people unlearn so much of the conditioning we have been handed. I am excited for you to learn more about this wonderful soul
Meet Madison!
Hi I’m Madison!
I am a queer femme with a neurodivergent brain living in a sweet bungalow in the Ozarks with my partner Jen and our pug puppy, Morris.
For work I am a coach, leadership consultant, spiritual teacher and writer. My work-days are a collage of writing, teaching, private coaching, group coaching and ceremony. A fun and creative mix of healing work, creativity and business– which I definitely view as a spiritual practice.
In my 30-something years on this planet I’ve lived many lives and learned heaps about what it means to lead a self-led life.
Always tenacious and ambitious, I’ve been known to go for the gold… in everything, and not always to my own benefit. I’ve been a competitive hip-hop dancer, was named the youngest female black belt in the USA in Hapkido at only 13, started coaching at a mere 23 years old and grew my business sustainably into a multi 6-figure business by 28. But with a history of complex childhood trauma and teenage bullying, much of my personal life in my 20’s was completely saturated with the colors of self-abandonment and shame.
I searched for belonging and love in all the typical wrong places: what other people thought of me, by chasing validation through success (often at the expense of my true desires) and through being “good” by external markers, disconnected from my own internal compass. A fractured sense of self led me to indoctrinating myself into (and out of) Evangelicalism, getting married at 20 (I came out and was divorced by 27) and into multiple enmeshed and abusive relationships before I learned to see myself clearly, set boundaries and trust myself with my own life.
The wisdom I’ve gleaned from these experiences absolutely informs my work and coaching practice. Success without Sovereignty is a recipe for burnout, over-giving and losing yourself. With a decade of study, healing and therapy under my belt and with 8+ years as a coach I am on the path of living and teaching Sovereign Leadership as a way of life.
For those who love the fun stuff—
I’m a 4/1 Generator in Human Design, a Virgo Sun, Pisces Moon and Libra rising… and I have 5 planets in Leo. ;) I’m Synesthetic (which is just a fancy name for when you experience one of your senses through another), experience energy as texture and am highly sensitive to sound and light. I stay grounded by working out, my morning tea ceremony, prayer, watching Drag Race and a healthy dose of pop music.
Website: www.madisonmorrigan.com
Instagram: @madisonmorrigan
Check out Madison’s Alive Again workshop on May 24!
The Q&A
What does healing mean to you?
To me, healing is the ongoing process of getting closer to living and expressing our True Essence– the part of us connected to God/Source that remains untouched by our trauma, our wounds, our Ego and our cultural programming. In some seasons this means allowing our brain and bodies to re-learn safety with our emotions, and other people. In other seasons it may mean deconstructing old paradigms that harm. In other seasons, it may mean looking at how we perpetuate our own suffering. And in all seasons, it means accepting ourselves as we are right now. No matter which season of healing we are in, it’s always about remembering the Truth of who we are at our core.
What is your biggest fear?
My biggest fear is being alone as a result of my own “badness.” Essentially deserving to be alone, and to be punished for who I am. It’s both totally irrational and completely understandable– shame is certainly the driving force behind my fear. Of course, of course it is! It’s a result of early childhood trauma and living with undiagnosed autism for 30 years. I have learned that this shame and fear is compulsory, and like all compulsory thoughts and default fears, it needs to be loved on, mothered and questioned for validity. Each time I do this, I gain bigger capacity for my own scared and ashamed little one, and more access to my adult self who knows NO ONE deserves to be punished for who they are. Befriending my shame and fear has been the biggest portal to my healing. It’s allowed me to grieve the past and learn to open my heart to love.
What brings you joy?
Dance! My house! Flowers! A great outfit! The sun! Being with beloveds where it’s easy to just “be.”
Goodness, so many things.
When I think about the moments that have brought me the most joy, they have the texture of lightness and space. My shoulders are relaxed and my face is soft. I am not pretending or trying to be anything, I am appreciating and I am present. It’s easiest to feel this in my morning tea ceremony. Or coming home after a long trip. Or on a Saturday in the park eating and reading with my partner. But I also experience it when I’m driving with the windows down, when I’m learning something new and completely encaptured, and when I am deep in conversation. Creativity is for sure a portal to joy for me as well.
What is your favorite childhood memory?
There is a moment I always come back to in my childhood, and truly, nothing “big” or amazing was happening; it was quite mundane. I was in the park behind my dad’s house, playing with my younger sister Madeline. I was up at the highest point on the jungle gym, and I distinctly remember the breeze on my skin, closing my eyes and pointing my face at the sun. It was a complete embodiment of warmth, love and connectedness– in that moment I knew God was real, and I knew I was loved by God. Madeline said, “what are you doing?” and I remember responding “you wouldn’t understand” because at 8, I didn’t know how to articulate it, but the feeling remains with me. I have a lot of wonderful memories playing with my siblings in that park, but that one feels the most potent.
In what areas of your life could you give yourself more grace?
Every area, to be honest. My Virgo Sun and Mars can really be drivers towards perfectionism, and I am realizing how unsustainable and inhuman my standards for myself are. I’ve been so fortunate to fall in love with someone who I was best friends with, who knew everything about me and has seen me at what I consider my “worst.” She loved me anyway. She consistently reminds me to do less, to try less, and to lean wayyyy back in my life. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be so loved as I am and consider it one of the most important awakenings and corrective experiences of my life. (One I am certainly still learning to receive).
If I were to pick one area I am the most in need of grace it would be in reminding myself that I am a good person at heart, and that I have nothing to compensate for. To give myself grace just to be.
Who do you admire most? Why?
I don’t know that I can think of any one person I admire most– but the people I admire all have similar qualities. The ability to be who they are and do what they want unabashedly. A heart for service and truth. A sense of integrity and excellence in what they do. A cherishing of life and human dignity, including their own. The people that come to mind are my partner, Jen, my closest friends, my mentors Holly Krepps and Karen Duncan, our beloved shared colleagues and friends like Hillary Mcbride, Jamie Finch and Marlee Grace who follow their path, create their art and share their hearts with the world (and so many unnamed others).
What is your favorite quality in a person? What is your least favorite quality?
My favorite quality in a person is probably a sense of inner spaciousness and emotional maturity. People who have cultivated the skill of questioning their thoughts, looking at their projections and who take responsibility for their needs, desires and wants. I find when I am in relationships with people like this, I feel so much more at ease and trust the connection. This is no doubt a skill, and not something people are born with– the courage it requires to lean in by choice to learn these skills says a lot about a person, I think. It also enables us to connect with a more diverse group of others, because our sense of Self isn’t threatened by difference. I find so many different kinds of people fascinating, so this skill is everything to me!
My least favorite quality is being a bully. Disregard for human dignity is completely intolerable to me. My heart for injustice is too strong to be close to people who actively harm, abuse, punish, slander or hold others in disdain. It’s just a hard no for me.
What is your current state of mind?
At the moment I’m enjoying thinking about my answers to these questions. I feel curious, honest, open and tender reading them back– and have teared up a few times thinking about the one in me who has thought she needed to curate a better “self” because she thought who she really was, was bad. My heart goes out to my younger self for all the trying and masking and proving herself. I am also so grateful for this opportunity to share, and these questions that prompt me to reflect.
When and where are you most peaceful?
I feel most peaceful in prayer, tea ceremony, with my partner in bed in the mornings and at my mentor’s house.
Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I could sing!! God damn, I would have made SUCH a great pop-star. Maybe in the next life, because if I had the voice, there would be no stopping me!!
What is something you are proud of in yourself?
I am so proud of my healing journey, and how I’ve opened myself to love. There was a time I felt so alone, so broken and so unlovable. I couldn’t see how my adaptive strategies kept me both seeking intimacy, and so far away from it. My heart was (rightfully) frozen and protected. This too is something to be proud of because the protection saved me in so many ways.
When I look back at my adaptive strategies – how my body went into “flight/flee” mode and kept me running. How she fought for me, and helped me be financially secure and independent. How she fawned to protect herself. And slowly how she softened into love; it’s all a miracle. I'm just so proud of my heart for being a guide to me, for protecting me, for leading me to safety and for slowly restoring me to health and aliveness– for allowing me to open to receive and be who I really am.
What is breaking your heart right now?
It’s really breaking my heart how many people are suffering needlessly in the world, and in the United States as a result of ignorant, corrupt and terrible leadership. The influences of patriarchy, white supremacy, toxic capitalism, homophobia, colonialism… we are ALL feeling the impact of these systems whether we realize it or not. It is my belief that there is no one not suffering this disconnect from our true nature and from our dignity.
I was recently in Vegas, which was equally as fun and playful as it was dystopian. Seeing the wealth and all the art that can be created with abundance, contrasted with folks begging for money and needing mental health care. The contrast was hard to reconcile. In many ways, living in America feels like that right now– holding the tension of all that is possible with the resources we have, how far we have come in terms of medicine, technology and liberties, and what a privilege it is to have these resources, while at the same time we see how those in power are squandering the resources on war, greed and hate. I remain hopeful, but I would have to harden my heart not to let my heart break over it.
What is a song you will never get sick of?
Just like Magic, Ariana Grande
What do you think is (or is one of) your greatest accomplishment(s)?
One of my greatest accomplishments was winning BYCA's International Coach of the Year. At the time I began coaching, it was a relatively new industry, and no one I knew had even heard of a "life coach." It felt like an uphill journey building my business, but I grew it gladly and with so much earnestness. Being recognized by the founder of BYCA felt so rewarding, and it build the confidence I needed to keep going.
Favorite quote or poem?
Have you tried to let go?
You cannot. No-one has ever succeeded in letting go.
Letting go is not for you.
Letting go is the end of someone trying to let go; so do not try to let go.
It will strengthen the whole game.
Don't try to not think; it will strengthen the thinking.
Don't try to transcend your patterns; it will strengthen the patterns.
The biggest pattern of all patterns is trying to get rid of patterns.
What should I do then?
Nothing.
Simply be available for this moment to kiss you.
When your partner comes home, you are available for him to kiss you.
Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but you are available.
Then the kiss is really sweet because it is free of 'me'.
Let whatever is here now kiss you.
Just receive life without doing.
Just receive what is given.
We are so busy living life,
we have largely forgotten what it is to simply receive life and let life live us;
to be unconditionally available for this moment
to have us and to recognize that every moment is the beloved,
whatever it contains.
This moment is it. In this moment, the beloved kisses you.
This moment is God.
- Tathagata from the book Given
(by: Dearest Florian Schlosser - may he rest in peace)
Do you have a morning routine? If so, tell us about it!
Yes! It’s pretty much the same every day, give or take. ;)
Each morning I snuggle with my partner until I hear the puppy alerting me that he, too, wants to snuggle. I take him potty while I heat up water for tea, then head back to bed with him for a few more minutes of snuggle time. While my partner gets ready for work, I prep her a little to-go tea, feed Morris, and prepare for my tea ceremony. When Jen heads out, I sit in my tea sanctuary on my biomat, pull cards, journal (if needed) and sit for tea ceremony. I generally sit for 30-45 minutes before either heading to the gym or beginning my workday with writing!
I find this routine, which I've been doing like this for almost 2 years, grounds me in my body, clears my mind and offers me time to connect to myself, to others and to God before I begin responding to the rest of the world.
What does your perfect day look like?
My perfect day would consist of my current morning routine, followed by yoga or the gym, and a delicious breakfast with my partner on the porch. To keep it realistic (and not in the realm of vacations) I’d love a 3 hour stint of writing and creative work, followed by lunch, a long walk and either time to read or meditate. Then, doing either client work or a group workshop of some kind in the afternoon. Then, I’d obviously get a massage or some kind of bodywork! I’d love to cook dinner with my partner, have some besties over to eat in the backyard under twinkle lights with. Maybe we would play some games and laugh together. To wind down, a bath, tending to the house, turning on the warm evening lights and snuggling in bed.
If I were to plan a weekend day, I’d throw out the work and throw in time in nature, at a park, an extended brunch and time in bed. ;)
What is the compliment you get the most? What do you wish you were complimented on?
Honestly, I am most complimented on some aspect of my appearance, and have been since I was a little girl. I think it’s often easy to give an appearance based compliment because 1- we are taught to value “pretty” as the ultimate ideal for womanhood, and 2- because it’s easy to spot without much effort relating to people as humans. I wish people complimented my intentions, how much I care and my generosity more often. I often struggle with feeling overly associated with my image, be it my appearance, or my image based on my online presence, so receiving compliments on who I really am as a person, unrelated to my output or what you can “see” would touch my heart in such a profound way.
If you could give one piece of advice about life, healing, self-love, living your truth, or the like, what would it be?
You are not broken. You are not a self-help project. You are already free. Going on a healing or awakening journey is not about “fixing” yourself, it’s about loving on the parts of you who were wounded, scared and shamed. In doing so, and in becoming present to the freedom that you already are, so much of the healing you’re looking for naturally happens. Soften around the places you want to grasp, even for 3 seconds. See if it may be safe to trust your goodness here and now. You may be surprised that there is no problem at all.
Thank you, Madison, for sharing your heart with us this week!
Join us for Our Venus Day Retreat in Nashville!
We would be so honored to invite you to our Venus Day Retreat at Ajna Wellness Retreat in East Nashville led by Bethany Joy, Kim Collins, and Ruthie Lindsey. This evening will include encoded activations to awaken your inner Divine Feminine and the Venus archetype. This archetype is associated with the Empress, The High Priestess, and The Queen Archetype and is connected to the Sacral and Heart Chakras.
The activations received will assist you in integrating your innate worth to receive love and to be loved. The Venus Day Retreat Includes: Delicious light food with mocktails, intention setting, meditation, grounding movement, rose ceremony, sound bath, and a circle.
Join a small group of women in a evening of ritual, ceremony, beauty, connection, joy and receptivity. This will be a beautiful opportunity to connect to the Divine, your higher self, and a community of women. We can’t wait to share this beautiful time with you and mirror to you love, self empowerment, pleasure, and divinity that is within you…which is your birthright.
Click here for more details and to register for the event! (Early bird tickets are available until May 31st!)
Date and Time Change! Our Emotional Release Night is now Thursday, May 25 at 6 PM CT!
Join us for our group Emotional Release Night. I’ll be sharing with you many of the practices I’ve learned to move energy and emotions through my body, the ones that have supported me along my own healing journey. The last time I held this kind of gathering, I had so much wonderful feedback from those who came. I can’t wait to see you all there and share these practices that have been so helpful with you.
This is an offering for paid subscribers to Love’s Invitation. If you’re not already subscribed, you can do so before the event to join us!
Here are all the details to join:
If you’re already a paying subscriber:
Register using the link below.
If you’re a free subscriber: