A love avoidant who finds love
💫 Plus, a new MEDITATION and Q&A with Ryan O'Neal of Sleeping At Last!
There are some NEW special things in this newsletter–a meditation for you and a Q&A with my dear friend, Ryan of Sleeping At Last. Don’t miss it!
Hi beautiful friends,
I believe the new year is such a fantastic time to look back on the past year and acknowledge all the pain and beauty you experienced. It’s a time for assessing where you came from, where you are now, and where you want to go. No year ever turns out the way I think it will, and last year was no exception to that rule.
I started off the year on my pilgrimage and spent much of the year on the road working, exploring, teaching, freaking out occasionally, feeling all the feelings, numbing those big feelings at times, really pushing past some of my limiting stories about lack (which delight in screaming at me), and learning to offer love and kindness to those fear-based stories. This is forever work for me.
When I look back on 2022, one of the things that stands out the most is my journey to reconnect with my sexuality and open myself up to love again. When you were a part of purity culture this is a task! Even though my mind recognized that all those stories I had been handed about my body and my sexuality were untrue, my cells still didn’t always get the memo. Over the years, one of my stories I’ve challenged about love and dating is that I am just “SO independent.” What I didn't realize until a few years ago was that I was completely love-avoidant since my heart had been deeply hurt.
I also realized through working with my amazing coach, Londin Angel Winters, that I was brothering almost every man I met. This means I would immediately think of a guy as a sibling, and we would become dear brother and sister. I was essentially raised by my older brother Lile, so this felt natural for me. Nonetheless, I was creating these relationship dynamics unconsciously. Brothers won't break your heart the way a partner will. Perhaps I’ll get into what I’ve uncovered as the reason why I’d do this another time.
The results of my brothering everyone were that I rarely got asked out. I didn't enjoy dating apps either, so that meant I just didn't go on dates. I’d tell myself the story that men weren't interested in me, that I wasn't desirable, not seeing that I was the common denominator here. Few men ever asked me out because I made it very clear to them that I didn't want to be anything other than their sister, a completely platonic relationship with them.
This realization was HUGE! However, I still didn't really know how to shift this pattern, how to make my heart open to love and dating again, open to possibly being hurt again. Well, I started talking about it with friends and with my teachers, coach, and therapist. I told them of my desire to allow myself to open to love and to attune to my body when deep fear arose in me, to be the best friend and lover I could be to myself. I feel deeply grateful because I also found training in sexual shamanism that powerfully helped me come back into my body, re-connect to parts of myself that have held onto pain and trauma, and begin re-parenting those parts. This is still ongoing work that I am exploring.
Eventually, I decided to try online dating again and really put myself out there. I talked about it, I prayed about it, and I had FUN! I tried to stop taking it all so seriously. Not to say that it isn't, but I can be so serious sometimes that I forget to play and laugh and feel the joy and pleasure of meeting new people, dancing, laughing, kissing, and all the things that come with this experience. I tried to be open to people I may not have noticed or considered before. I went on dates with people that were different from me in so many ways. I ended up dating A LOT! So much. I have never been asked out that much in my life. Sometimes I’d have 5 dates in one weekend. I had to put a stop to that as it was way too exhausting for my introverted self. The point is: I dated. I opened myself up. I felt desired and I felt deep desire. I had amazing sex. I laughed, I danced, I sang. I went very deep and let myself experience this journey.
It was incredible and exhausting, fun and confronting. It did what dating and relationships do–it brought up insecurities and fears. I saw my co-dependence and how I never want to hurt anyone. I saw my controlling self come out, and I got to notice it. I talked about these things. I became the witness more and more.
Last fall, I was dating several men casually, all wonderful. Two made sense on paper and one of them didn't. I kept saying yes to this one though. Something told me to. To be honest I don't think I would have gone out with him a few years ago. I had very different priorities then about what I thought mattered. Let me tell you, I would have missed out! He is truly one of the kindest, funniest, and most thoughtful men. I feel so cared for and treasured. There's no drama, which has felt sweet and comforting for my nervous system. There are no games. I trust that what he says he means, and he has proven that over and over. When things feel sticky, we talk about them kindly. Please don't hear me say that it's perfect because of course it’s not, but it’s perfect for me now. I don't have a clue what tomorrow will bring, but I am grateful for what I get to share with him today.
I’m so thankful that I opened myself up to love and all it entails–the best shadow work ever! I am grateful for this precious man in my life. Thank you 2022 for kicking my ass in some ways and opening me up to so much pure magic! I am thankful for my soul and body for being ready and for the years of deep inner work it took me to get here. The timing was perfect even though I couldn't see that before. It always is. The universe is truly obsessed with us!
As you think back over the journey of your last year, I would love to hear what you most feel proud of yourself for. Leave a comment, be witnessed, and take up space.
Keep reading for
Upcoming retreats and offerings
Q&A with Ryan O’Neal / Sleeping At Last
A meditation for self-love, my gift to you!
Become Your Own Best Friend Retreat this March
I'm thrilled to announce that March 3-5 I will be leading a retreat at the magical Kripalu with my dear sister and friend Mari Andrew. If you’ve seen her work online, you know it’s incredible.
We have both been on a journey for years to become the greatest friend to ourselves possible. This retreat will be loving and nurturing as we share all the tools that we have been taught and personally use to be the best lover and friend we can to ourselves.
For two enneagram 4’s that has been a tall order, but it works! If I can go from wanting to die and hating my life to being pretty obsessed with the life I live and really truly liking myself, I know this is for you too. We would be thrilled to have you there!
Last chance for a single Love Reflection Session (but 8 & 12 Week Containers are open)!
Single Love Reflection Sessions can still be booked through the end of January! This is a space of love and acceptance for you to be seen and witnessed. As part of these sessions, I offer embodiment practices to move the knowledge from the head into a place of integration in your body to help you work through wherever you are right now.
Schedule your single session here! →
I do have some spaces available for the 8 or 12-week Love Reflections coaching containers. This is an opportunity to go deep into your own journey of self-love, healing, and discovery.
You probably have questions about what it’s like to work with me, so feel free learn more here and apply for a free discovery call →
Truth With Ruth: Ryan O’Neal from Sleeping At Last
I am so excited about some things I have planned for us in this new year. I have started asking different people I love and respect to answer some questions that I will be sharing with you all.
This week the answers from Truth with Ruth will come from my friend Ryan from Sleeping At Last. He is one of my favorite musicians and is also one of the most unassuming and kindest men. I was lucky enough to interview him for The Unspoken Podcast (RIP) a few years ago. I was blown away by his heart (you can listen here). I was very moved by his honesty and rawness in answering these questions.
Who would you like me to learn more about? I’d love to hear your suggestions on who I should send out these questions to!
Meet Ryan!
Sleeping At Last is the moniker of singer-songwriter, producer and composer, Ryan O’Neal. His music is often heard on TV and Film (Grey’s Anatomy, The Twilight Saga, The Fault In Our Stars, American Idol, as well as ads for Mercedes, McDonalds, Ralph Lauren, Budweiser and more.) After many years of making full-length albums and touring, Sleeping At Last began writing long-form series of songs: "Astronomy" (songs inspired by the macro), "atoms" (songs inspired by the micro) and his primary project, "Atlas" (a trilogy of songs inspired by the human experience in between the macro and micro of life). Ryan lives just outside of Chicago with his wife, Cayt and their two daughters, Lily and Iris.
Website: sleepingatlast.com
IG: @sleepingatlast
What does healing mean to you?
Patience. And trusting that some amount of time and space will heal what is broken, even when that seems impossible.
What is your biggest fear?
Pain and death. The classic duo. I am so afraid of the pain and loss of the people I love, as well as my own inevitable experience of pain and death. I’m also deeply afraid of all things dental and medical, which is certainly in direct relation to my fear of pain.
What brings you joy?
My daughters, Lily and Iris! My relationship with my wife, Cayt. I’m also really lucky to have deep and beautiful relationships with my friends and my brother. Getting to spend my life making music. Travel. and Disney!
What is your favorite childhood memory?
I have so many. Heaps of beautiful memories of traveling with my family, Hawaii and Disney World are at the top of the list.
What area of your life could you give yourself more grace?
I’m in a constant self-evaluation and it’s not a great headspace to be stuck in. So, I would love to have more grace toward that inner critic. But maybe even more than that, I could really use more grace toward the part of me that is hyper alert and fearful lately. When my Mom passed away unexpectedly last year, this smoke-detector part of me has taken on a leading role in my life and it has been a huge burden. I know that this part of me is trying to protect me, so I’d love to give it/myself more grace in that department, for sure.
Who do you most admire? Why?
My Mom. She brought my brother and me into the world with the absolute confidence that we could do and become ANYthing we wanted. She came alongside us in every single idea and interest we had and gave us everything we needed to flourish. It was such a gift to be loved by her.
What is your favorite quality in a person?
Kindness.
Least favorite quality in a person?
Distance.
What is your current state of mind?
Gently focused.
When and where are you most peaceful?
When I’m with my family. More specifically, I feel a deep sense of joy and peace in Disney World, of all places.
Which talent would you most like to have?
I’d love to magically inherit the talent of presence. Like being really good at being exactly here right now. I drift in and out of being a present person, but there’s a lot of looking back and wishing that I hadn’t been so distracted through so much of my life.
What is something you are proud of in yourself?
I spent this last year trying hard to overcome some personal hurdles of fear and though I’m nowhere near unafraid, I’m really proud of being willing to grow.
What is breaking your heart?
The loss of my Mom has been a grief that I’ve never really known before and my heart feels like it’s broken forever, even though I know that healing will come and something beautiful is growing in those broken parts of me.
A song you will never get sick of
“July Tree” by Nina Simone
Your greatest accomplishment?
My daughters Lily and Iris (even though, my wife did all the heavy lifting!)
Who are your hero(s) and why?
My wife, Cayt is superhuman. Getting to do life together and parent alongside her is to witness a depth of love and patience greater than I’ve ever known was possible. She is magic.
Favorite quote or poem?
I love this recently from David Whyte:
"Gratitude arises from paying
attention, from being awake
in the presence of everything
that lives within and without us."
Do you have a morning routine? If so, what is it?
I grab my coffee first thing, spend a little time with my girls and then head to my studio to write.
What does your perfect day look like?
A beautiful sunny day, around 70 degrees with a gentle breeze - preferably near the ocean and with my family.
What is the compliment you get the most?
People are kind about my songs.
If you could give one piece of advice what would it be?
Love more. A lot more!
A meditation for self-love
I would love to try something else new by sending you meditations/affirmations each month. This first one is my gift to you!! I hope it allows you to find a moment of peace and self–love in your week. (I recommend listening to this with headphones if you have them.)
I would love to hear what you think. Did you enjoy it? Would you like to see more of this type of thing in our newsletter? 💗
Featuring background music by my beautiful friend, Audrey Assad (Check out her Substack, The Violet Fields!)
I hope that this newsletter finds you well and opening up to love in 2023. I can’t wait to hear what you think of these new additions to the newsletter. Some of these things may be free gifts always, and some I may offer only to paid subscribers in the future, but first I want to play with this space and see what feels good. So let me know what you think!
With so much love,
Ruthie
I really loved this and am so happy you’ve found such a sweet love!
In reflecting over the past year, I’m most proud of the beautiful baby boy I birthed and the strength that came along with that - a kind of strength I never knew I had. I’m also proud of myself for starting to write even though I’ve never considered myself a writer (yet always wanted to be). Your work has definitely been a big part of me stepping out and learning to take up space in the world! Thank you Ruthie 🖤
this week I am proud of myself because I asked a boy out! first time I've ever been so bold :)