A raw update and focusing on what I do want over what I don't
How I'm choosing vision, gentleness, and small acts of kindness in the midst of pain
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Hi, sweet friends, this is going to be a bit of a raw newsletter. As I mentioned briefly last week, I have been having some pretty painful moments with my sweet body lately. This is on top of my regular ongoing pain my body has known for well over 20 years.
I started working with a hormone specialist in the new year for perimenopausal reasons. I felt really hopeful that it would help with my night sweats, heavy and irregular periods, and possibly with sleep. Unfortunately, it has put my body in some kind of crazy state where I have basically been bleeding heavily for about 75% of the month for the past 4 months or so, and it felt like it has come to a head these past few weeks.
I have felt TERRIBLE. So weak, very little energy, lethargic, and super discouraged. There is a story I can make up that even trying things that are “good” for my body only makes it worse. I do not believe that that is ultimately true, but good gracious, sometimes it really feels that way.
I ended up needing to cancel my monthly workshop on self compassion last week and several other things I was looking forward to, because I felt so lightheaded and weak. (It was a great opportunity to put my self-compassion tools into practice!) I apologize to anyone who was planning to be there, and I promise to make it up to you. (See below for the new date and registration!) Thank you for your kindness and grace, and for those of you who sent such kind notes. It is so appreciated! I had little energy to do anything other than lie in bed, and so that is what I did.
Over the weekend, I told Eric, all I really wanted to do was float in water. So he loaded up a paddleboard and a float, and we went to a lake nearby and just floated for a few hours, and then had a picnic. It was so calming and felt so nice in my body to feel weightless. We plan to try to do something similar this coming weekend and the one after that. This Scorpio girl needs her healing water time.
So I know I just shared some hard health things, but one thing I have been trying to focus on (amongst the grief, disappointment, discouragement, overwhelm, etc) because I work to allow all my big feelings and emotions to be here, to be met with compassion and kindness. I have been practicing focusing on what I DO WANT, over what I don't want.
For example, it is so easy for me to focus on all those health concerns I do not want to have, or how I do not want things to be in our country for immigrants, for LGBTQ folks, for folks in the Middle East, for animals, for the earth, etc. I am REALLY great at knowing what I do not want, but I also believe that energetically, what we hate, we are stuck with (that goes for emotions also).
So I have been practicing focusing on what I do want. I want a healthy body that feels incredible life force and is excited about life. I want people who have sought asylum in our country to feel cared for here and welcomed. I want every child to be cared for and safe. I want women to be treated with respect and equality. I want my queer friends to be treated with the dignity and respect they are so deserving and worthy of.
I want my neighbors to feel my love for them and know they can depend on me. I want my friends to feel a deep connection with me and feel so safe and loved by me. I want my clients to know that they can bring all of themselves to me and know that I will meet all of their achy parts with so much compassion, care, and love. I want to reflect their wholeness and their divinity back to them.
I have basically started thinking about all the things that break my heart and started focusing on the positive opposite of it. Envisioning what I want for those people, places, etc. And if there is a way I can help alleviate suffering in some way from myself, others, animals, the earth, then I will do my best to do that.
I do not think this is “wishful” thinking or toxic positivity. I love the phrase “pray and then move your feet”. I can envision what I do want, and then I can take my own baby steps to help make that happen.
Inviting my neighbors over for a home-cooked meal, taking my best friend's 2nd-grade daughter out for a lunch date this week, bringing flowers to our widowed neighbor so she knows we are thinking of her, and writing handwritten letters to people to encourage them. I know when I am hurting, I can often feel selfish because it takes up so much space in my brain - so even doing these little tiny acts of focusing on what I do want and showing little acts of kindness helps me shift my focus on all that feels so wrong in my life or in the world, to all that is possible and the sweetness that is also here.
Sweet friend, if this is finding you in a painful place in your life, I am so, so sorry. I wonder what it would feel like to let yourself feel that pain, that grief, that heartache, and then focus on what you do want to see happen. To feel that outcome in your body as though it were already true and here. If it feels good to you, try it out, and let me know how it feels to you.
What is one small thing you can do that is really kind for your body today? What is one small thing you can do that is kind for someone else today? What is going well in your life right now? If you do have chronic pain, what in your body is working well? It is easy to focus on what hurts and what is wrong (of course), but we often forget to thank our bodies for what is working so incredibly!
I am sharing all the things I am needing to hear today, after a few really hard and expensive office visits. I hope it feels supportive to you, too! Sending all my love, Ruthie
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Love’s Invitation Monthly Event
Self-Compassion Workshop
Wednesday, July 9 at 11 AM CT
Self-compassion is the missing link to so much of our healing journey. I will give you practical tools to begin meeting yourself with so much care, tenderness, and compassion. Self compassion is a gorgeous action that can actually serve us in a massive way into more loving action, it is not passive at all, it's the thing that can actually move the needle towards more aligned action! We are all so deserving of such care!
As always, these workshops are recorded, and paying subscribers will receive an email to watch it back after the event.
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