Anniversaries
Hello friend,
I am spending July in a precious family’s home in Santa Fe, watching the most adorable 13-year-old dog, Wrangler. He follows me everywhere I go, and I couldn't be more in love with him. My time here has been beautiful and stretching so far, but I know this is exactly where I am meant to be for the time being.
There have been some incredibly emotional moments since I have been here. Let's be honest, I am an Enneagram 4; that is not abnormal for me. This felt incredibly deep and really old though. I definitely had a few situations that were very activating. (I don't use the word “triggered” anymore because I think language is so important. When I say I am “triggered,” I usually feel like the victim of someone else’s actions, but when I say “activated,” I realize it’s an old wound within me that is wanting my love and attention.) I had a realization this past week after getting off a call with my therapist where I literally couldn't breathe I was crying so hard and so deeply.
I know good and well that when my responses are hysterical, they are always historical.
And this felt hysterical. My physical pain also felt out of control.
Ten years ago, in July of 2012, I had a massive nervous breakdown. I didn't sleep at all for weeks and weeks on end. I had been living in my bed for 7 years dealing with major health complications from breaking my neck and the wire from my previous fusion breaking and piercing my brain stem. I had lost my dad in a freak accident. I could tell my marriage was coming to an end. And to top it all off, the thing that really pushed me over the edge was catching C Diff for 3 months.
That July, my husband was on tour in Australia, I had stopped sleeping and my body was on every narcotic under the sun, amongst so many other meds from the doctor. I was also so traumatized but had no idea how to deal with it all. I broke.
My mom picked me up because I was not functional and drove me home. I ended up staying at my older brother's house until the beginning of September. That summer was one of the darkest times of my entire life until 7 years later, to the week, I had another mental break. THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE! I also didn't know anything at the time about 7-year cycles, but wow, it's definitely a thing.
My breakdown in 2012 changed my life forever. I began the process of weaning myself off all the meds and began the very long journey of learning to live outside of my bed again. Not to say, I haven't spent plenty of time in my bed over the past 10 years. My bed still calls to me like you wouldn't believe at times (last week being one of those times.)
Our bodies remember, and, as backward as this sounds, it's actually really loving. I truly believe it is.
These old wounds come up for us because they long to be healed and re-parented, and anniversaries are often a time when the body remembers and emotions want to be felt.
As much emotional and spiritual work I have done, I often still feel terrified to feel my emotions, even knowing it's the only way to move through it and heal.
We learn so many ways to leave our bodies so early on. I sat in front of a tv with food from day one of this life. Those will always be my preferred ways to get out of my body and not be here–food and screens. There are plenty of times, I just check out that way. I try not to punish or shame myself for trying to leave my body and leave the intense pain I am feeling. Instead of shaming myself or saying I am self-sabotaging myself, I try to talk kindly to myself. I’ll say, “My inner child is doing such a good job trying to protect me.” Those were coping skills I learned early on. These coping skills serve us and help us survive…and they truly serve us until they don't.
Here are some things I have been trying to do this week to be with the part of myself and my body that is remembering this anniversary and feeling anxiety and pain.
I am trying to be so gentle with myself and speak really kindly to myself when my inner critic wants to be pretty harsh.
I am trying to be in nature as much as possible.
I am dancing
I am reaching out to my friends.
I am taking salt baths.
I am letting myself cry…often.
I am screaming into pillows and punching pillows (seriously, try it if you haven't yet.)
I am having grace for myself when I just want to watch movies or read instead of doing any of these practices.
This all made me excited to share with y’all some of the release techniques I have learned at trainings to move energy and emotions through our bodies. I am going to have an evening for all my paying Substack members next week. I would be thrilled to share the things that have been so helpful for me.
And I would love to hear from you about any practices or techniques you personally use when you feel old emotions rising, when you are activated or when anniversaries bring up old traumas.
Let’s share with each other in our discussion thread here.
I want to tell you that you are doing a good job sweet friend, wherever you are on your journey. This earth school thing is no joke, and you are a brave, beautiful soul experiencing so many wild, painful, profound, brutal experiences. I am sending you so much love.
With love from Santa Fe,
Ruthie
Keep reading to see what’s coming up in the Love’s Invitation community.
Night of Emotional Release
I want to share with y’all some of the release techniques I have learned at trainings to move energy and emotions through our bodies. All of my paying Substack members are invited to join me next week. I hope that these practices will be as helpful to you as they have been to me.
A new 8-week 1:1 Love Reflections Sessions container
I am opening up my new container for clients starting at the end of August. I will be doing 8 weeks instead of 6 this time. I feel like 8 weeks will give us even more time to go deeper. I honestly never want these containers to end with my clients…I truly fall in love with each and every one of the beautiful souls I have the honor of working with.
If you’re interested in working with me, learn more and apply for a discovery call.
Loving Yourself Whole - In Santa Fe with Scott Stabile
Anyone in Santa Fe or the surrounding areas, we would be so thrilled to have you join us for this morning of honest self-reflection and healing self-love. I’ll be guiding this with Scott Stabile. He is a transformational breathwork facilitator and is the author of Big Love: The Power of Living with a Wide-Open Heart and Just Love.
We’d love to see your beautiful face there!
Freedom From Chronic Pain Retreat
Nicole and I had a sweet chat about this retreat last week.
The Freedom From Chronic Pain retreat is next month. It’s a beautiful opportunity to commune with the connection between our mind, emotions, and body. We’ll work with healing practices to help you establish a foundation for long-lasting wellness.
If you're interested you can learn more here.
Join me in Tulum!
I am co-leading The Venus Retreat in Tulum on September 16-22nd. This will be such an amazing opportunity to invite us into a life of surrender and ease, instead of pain and resistance, of trusting instead of striving, beauty instead of struggle, dancing with life instead of suffering. We would be so honored to go on this journey with you!
→ My best friend Audrey sent me this podcast recently. If you start around minute 17, the guest convo begins. It’'s an interesting conversation about disordered eating.
→ And this song on repeat, another gift from Audrey.
→ I will have a podcast coming soon from a man who feels like family even though we have only known each other since March… I can’t wait to introduce y’all to my friend, Robert Mulhall. He is the CEO of Kripalu and one of the wisest men in my life.