Breakdowns and Breakthroughs
My experiences at Onsite through the years
In January, I had the real honor of taking a group of women from my last Sacred Rebel Container to a retreat at Onsite in Cumberland Furnace, Tennessee. My dear friend and former podcast co-host, Miles Adcox, owns the center and let me rent a house right off campus to facilitate it. We got to eat the most delicious meals in their gorgeous cafeteria, walk the land, do equine therapy, dance, and so so much more.
I hadn’t spent that much time there since the fall of 2019, which was one of the darkest times of my life. This is saying A LOT because I’ve had some insanely dark times in this life.
I don’t believe in hell as a physical place, but I do believe in hell as a mental space. And I’ve lived through absolute hell in this life. Fully believing in the illusion of separation - feeling completely alone and abandoned by life, God, my ex-husband. I even believed I’d been abandoned by my dad when he died (he passed unexpectedly when he was on his way to see me).
If you’ve followed my journey for a while, you’ve heard me talk about living in my bed for seven years because of a wire that pierced my brainstem and all the narcotics, binging, and numbing I did to survive. Well, for seven years after that, I weaned myself off the narcotics I was on and re-learned how to live outside of my bed. I believed most of my suffering came from my wreck, so I spoke about it for a living, and even wrote a book about it. I thought what I had gone through was the worst it could get - losing a marriage, my dad, my independence, and so much more, but boy was I wrong.
At the end of that seven year stretch of healing, I had my second breakdown.
This one felt scarier and even more heartbreaking. I walked around with a blanket of shame wrapped around my shoulders. I’d just turned in my book, which was all about healing, and I completely stopped sleeping (just like I’d experienced with my first breakdown). My life began to crumble in every way possible.
I didn’t believe I could be in that dark of a place again. I felt like a fraud. I had a book coming out the next spring and I was losing my mind! Miles suggested that I go to Milestones, the residential program at Onsite, for a month. I was horrified and felt so much shame. What would other people think?
Miles and I had previously planned another week-long retreat at Onsite for a group of amazing humans doing really incredible work in the world. They got to campus the week after I checked into Milestones. All of the amazing humans I invited to Onsite were sitting at the top of the hill having a grand ole’ time together, and I was at the bottom of the hill, losing my fucking mind. Feeling scared to even go on walks in the woods for fear of seeing any of my friends who were there. I was so filled with shame for being in that place. For being so unwell. The little girl in me that was taught that “what others think of me is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in life” was mortified to say the least. I would stay awake all night having panic attacks, thinking my life, and the world was over.
For so long, for me to make big changes, it’s almost like I had to blow up my life and be forced out of my comfort zone. Pushed out of the nest to make the changes that my soul was asking for, because my nervous systems would always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven. Change, even incredibly healthy and expansive change, can feel like a threat to our nervous systems. So I’m learning to slowly build up more and more resonance in my body so that I feel safe to expand and move into the unknown, and don’t have to blow up my world to change.
The truth is, that experience in 2019 became another massive catalyst to change my whole world, and I did. I walked away from a Hollywood life I unconsciously thought made me special, and I shrunk my world drastically. I walked away from work, friends, and a lifestyle that no longer fully felt in alignment. I began traveling way less and spending so much more time in nature. So much about my life has changed pretty drastically since then.
I share all this because here I was 4.5 years later. At the same place where I was losing my mind in 2019 and telling myself such mean stories, like my life and career were over. I’d made it back, and was leading the most expansive, beautiful retreat. Things had changed.
One afternoon, we were walking to lunch and I was thinking about how I used to walk those same trails over and over the month I was here for treatment. I kept saying thank you. Thank you to the universe for this wild journey. Thank you for what that season of death and shedding invited me into, because the only parts of me that died were the conditioned parts and masks I wore for belonging. I said thank you for that brutal season (that I have deeply mourned and grieved), because it invited me into being this truer version of myself that now had the privilege of leading and being a mirror for these amazing women walking with me. I couldn't see that in 2019. All I could see was hopelessness and despair, yet there was so much life on the other side.
I couldn’t be the woman I am today without all the breakdowns that ultimately brought breakthroughs of what no longer serves me. Of what is authentic and integrous for me now. That truer version of me.
When we are in those dark nights of the soul, having our breakdowns, losing loved ones, losing marriages, losing identity of who and what we thought made us valuable, it can truly feel like the end, like death. I would love to hear stories from you of times when you were convinced you couldn’t survive or come out of the other side of something. Can you share with me what that has invited you into? I would be so honored to hear. Even if it’s a personal journal entry or something shared with a dear trusted friend, allowing yourself to be witnessed in your own growth and to be witnessed by others is so, so powerful.
We humans are so resilient and more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. I’m so proud of myself for all that I’ve lived through and all the ways I continue to grow and evolve. I’m so proud of you for the exact same thing. We’re all miracles. truly.
If you’re in one of those dark nights of the soul right now, please know that I see you. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, you beautiful soul. Grieve, feel it, ask for help, but I can promise you this. This is not the end of your story. This is just the invitation. This is inviting you into shedding layers of pain, conditioning, masks and parts of you that no longer fit. It is inviting you into a truer, more expansive version of you. I wish I could hug you right now and look into your eyes and promise you there is so much beauty, truth, and hope on the other side.
You are held by the universe, dear one, and I pray you see proof of that this week - which I highly recommend asking for. I do all the time! Especially after reading Signs by Laura Lynn Jackson.
This song is for you:
Love love love you, Ruthie
Keep reading for:
The Sacred Rebel Retreat
The Sacred Rebel Retreat
April 12-14th 2024
Learning to Love Every Part of Yourself
Prepare to embark on an extraordinary voyage of self-discovery and healing, where you’ll reconnect with the radiant, whole, and divine essence that is your birthright. Guided by the esteemed author, coach, and soul midwife, Ruthie Lindsey, this transformative retreat promises an experience that transcends the confines of societal norms.
Throughout this empowering weekend:
Discover liberation through expression, find radical self-love, reconnect with your body, unlearn and remember through the power of evocative writing prompts, meditation, and the support of a nurturing community, learn integration practices, and gain tools for self-love.
By the conclusion of this weekend, you will possess a profound comprehension of the conditioning that led you to believe something was wrong with you and the tools and wisdom required to unlearn these stories and fully embrace the radiant being that resides within.
This retreat is open to all, regardless of your background or experience. No matter where you are on your journey, you are welcome here.
Ruthie, I am in the waiting room with a loved one who is having a breakdown. I pulled up your article and they read it. What a gift you are in this moment to make them feel heard and known and loved on a new level. It has opened some doors od conversation for us. Thank you.
I'm new to you and your work, but as a Nashville native who's been in the depths of grief and physical pain from a severe spinal injury that brought her home, I met someone recently at a grief circle who suggested I look you up and read your book. I was in my 6th setback and acute phase of pain, praying and negotiating with the universe for what felt like the millionth time to allow me some relief when I found you. I too have been beat down by the unfortunate nature of failed surgeries and debilitating pain, but of course, my path has been quite different but hearing your words and your story, I wept as I read. I finally found someone who can relate and who knows the struggle to fight for what is so normal for everyone else. In listening to your book, I was brought home to myself and realized I was only going to get out of this struggle and pain cycle if I changed my relationship with my pain. It's been a journey upwards since...and I know that with the setbacks, I will continue to use the tools to continue managing my mindset, rewiring my brain, and regulating my nervous system so that the next one won't affect me so much. Thank you for helping me with this breakthrough! I know your work will have lasting impact in so many lives. Keep sharing!