Breaking Up With The Box Of Conformity
(And how we will have to disappoint people to do it)
Starting off, my heart is devastated by the floods in Texas and now North Carolina. My heart, prayers, and thoughts are with the families. I cannot comprehend the devastation that they are dealing with. If you have the means to donate to flood relief in Texas, please donate to the Kerr County Flood Relief Fund, organized by The Community Foundation.
There are only a few spots left for the workshop I’m co-leading in Telluride in a few weeks! If you want to learn more about it and sign up, please click the button below or reach out to me to have a clarifying call.
I was raised in the South to be a sweet, pretty, kind, gentle, accommodating, smiley, skinny, and respectful (amongst many more “positive” Southern girl attributes). I learned at a very young age what and who I needed to be to belong, to get love, affirmation, and attention. My number one priority was to get the “right people” to like me. I did not want to ruffle any feathers. The idea of someone not liking me absolutely devastated me, so I molded myself into whoever they needed me to be for them to like me.
I was taught from as early as I can remember that what other people thought of me was the most important thing. At my dinner table at night, anyone who was not inside that box of conformity was mocked and made fun of. We humans tend to mock and make fun of anything “different” or anything we do not understand (so we can stay comfortable with who we are). I knew who I could not be or how I could not behave like if I wanted to fit in and belong at home, at school, and in my community.
Here is the thing: none of this is conscious.
Our parents and our cultures are taught the exact same thing, so that idea is passed down from generation after generation. We “other” anything and anyone that does not fit inside our teeny tiny box that was made for us. To break up with the box of conformity is truly terrifying! We WILL disappoint people. It will often feel like a betrayal to the powers at be (family, church, culture) to leave that tiny claustrophobic box. We become who we have been taught to be.
For some, it is following in their dad’s footsteps and doing the same job he does, even if it feels absolutely soul-sucking. For others, it may be staying in a church that you do not agree with, but it would rock the foundation of your family’s support to leave. For others, it may be not speaking up at family gatherings when you hear racist, sexist, or ageist remarks because you know you would be the outcast and would more than likely be made fun of for it. For many of us, it is fawning into pleasing. Doing whatever we can to belong to the system so that we are on the “inside”.
But at what cost? To stay in the box of conformity comes at a cost to your well-being. So many of the clients I get to work with have followed their families' guidelines, they went to the “right” schools, they got the career that would make them successful, they got married to the “right” guy their family approved of but feel zero connection, they had the kids, they kept their mouth shut when they had a lot to say about something. AND THEY WERE MISERABLE! Because it was not their dream they were following, it was their family's dreams. They are living with depression, they feel stuck, they have anxiety, they have physical pains that the doctor can't seem to diagnose, and so on and so on.
People unconsciously shame us into staying in the box. They need us to stay the same, or it feels like a betrayal to them. It can also play out as someone who comes from an alcoholic family and tries to live a sober life; they may say you are acting “too good” for them. Or maybe you move away from your town and are the first one to go to college, when you come home, folks may whisper that you think you are better than them. This feels TERRIBLE! No wonder so many choose to stay in the box, not living a life of truth for themselves, so they can avoid the ridicule!!!
More often than not, hard life circumstances can be the beginning of the breakup. Maybe you have a major health crisis, your body is getting louder and louder because it is begging you to come back inside of yourself to listen to what your soul is actually asking of you. There are so many ways this can play out, and I will not pretend for one second that this work is easy. Holy shit, it can feel so painful, but what is the alternative? It is the question of: what hurts and what hurts worse?
Is it worse to live in the box? Out of alignment, pleasing everyone while feeling like you are slowly dying inside? Or is it worse to disappoint and even betray their way of life to live the life of integrity and freedom you are looking for? Both hurt, but I know for me and for my clients, living a life in alignment and integrity with your soul is a life of true freedom. It is not for the faint of heart. It is so brave!
And here is what is so cool, the more you begin living more and more this way, you start finding people who love and accept you for exactly who you are. They do not need you to be anyone other than your true self, who may be considered weird or out there to others. It takes work to feel more and more safety inside of yourself to take those brave steps.
As I started breaking up with my own box of conformity, it was NOT popular with many family members and people close to me. As someone who was trained to please, that felt like its own mini-death to me. And it has been so important. It has also not always been popular online. I used to go out of my way to try to please everyone and be everyone's cup of tea. I had no true identity; I was a sweet little vanilla smiley girl who lived off of praise and attention from others. I started losing followers, I lost some friendships, and it all felt painful to be sure. But then I gained followers who were on similar journeys- looking to expand and break out of their own boxes of conformity- to live in alignment with themselves. I’d prefer to have fewer folks who are curious than more people who needed me to stay small and pleasing. I’m also not meant to be for everyone!
But then I started reminding myself that I can not lose anything that is for me.
If people can not accept me for who I truly am, that is honestly none of my business. I honor them for needing to walk away from what does not feel good to them. That is their absolute right. I will not pretend my ego does not care, but my higher self knows it honestly doesn't even really have to do with me. We are all just mirrors and projectors.
I used to unfollow people who lived outside of the box, and I mocked them like I was modeled. I have been on all sides of this equation. But here is what I know to be true for me today. I can never go back inside the box. Yes, there are parts of me that still care what others think, but still feel rejection, OF COURSE. How very human! And I get to love that little girl inside of me and help her feel safe to be her weirdest, most free version of myself, even when it comes at a cost. This is a cost I am willing to pay to be me. To live this life, to have these friends and this partner who truly see me and love all my parts and weirdness. To do this work is so soul-fulfilling because it is everything I have needed for myself!
Beautiful friend, this is for you, too. You are so deserving to be cared for and loved for exactly who you are, and it all begins with inside work. This is not for the faint of heart. (And this is not saying all of a sudden you need to be running through the streets naked, yelling for others to be free)
But what is inside of you that you are afraid to let out for fear of rejection or alienation? What is begging to come out of you, to be created, to be written about? To be shared?
I know the world needs more people who are willing to live true to themselves. Free people, free people. I can still easily stick my toe back in that box, the little girl in me longs to belong and fit in, but my higher truer self longs for a life of integrity and alignment.
If this resonates with you, and you have been feeling stuck inside your own metaphorical box of conformity and are ready to break up with it, I am taking on 2 new clients. We have 6 months left of 2025 - what dreams live inside of you that you are afraid to go for? I would be so honored to walk this path with you and to be your biggest cheerleader. To mirror your wholeness and goodness to you! If you’re interested, fill out this form to do an explore call.
This is why I do the work I do. It is everything I have needed for myself, and it feels like the greatest privilege of my life. If you would like to have a free exploration call with me, please fill out the form below.
One of my favorite books about breaking up with the box of conformity is The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck. I have all my clients read it and it is brilliant!!!! I hope this feels loving and supportive to you. I am here for you. Love you friend, Ruthie
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