Dear Younger Self
Hi friend,
Do you ever reflect on your younger self and wish you could send them love and direction? I recently found myself feeling this way, so I wrote myself a letter…
Dear 22-year-old Ruthie,
I found this picture of you recently and I felt so many emotions for you.
You had just moved to Nashville from Oxford, MS to work at a church with their youth group. I see a girl that learned to smile even though she was hurting so deeply. I see a girl who signed hundreds of silent contracts with culture, church, and family saying she would fit in a very acceptable good girl box so that she could belong.
Of course, you did, that is a basic human need, my sweet girl. You so desperately longed to be a good girl because you didn't understand that you were already, by nature, so good.
The denomination you were a part of constantly said, “You are more sinful and flawed than you could ever imagine but more loved by Jesus than you can ever hope.” You believed the lie that something was inherently wrong with you. You believed you were broken and depraved and only something outside of you (Jesus) could make you clean and accepted.
You looked for love and acceptance outside of you because you hadn't yet remembered your divinity, that you are loved and worthy because you exist. That nothing could separate you from God within you, that the divine isn't something outside of you. Period. That you are an iteration of God playing the role of Ruthie in this life.
You spent most of your time thinking about food and loathing your body while emotionally cutting yourself to all the things you believed were so wrong with you. You tried desperately to numb all of your emotions, feelings, and traumas by stuffing yourself with food. And when you weren't bingeing you were starving yourself. That deep insatiable hunger that couldn't be stopped was the perfect distraction to spend all of your time focusing on when what your heart truly wanted was to feel. Yes, your heart wanted to be able to express her feelings, to be a full expression of yourself, all of you, not just the parts that you were taught were good and acceptable like a well-behaved good girl should be.
You hadn't cried since your wreck at 17 because you learned to suppress all your emotions. You felt deep shame for your sexuality (so much so that you married your first boyfriend not long after because you felt such deep self-loathing for having sex!) You pretended to have a relationship with God and even tried to teach it, but it was all in your head. None of it was experienced or felt.
My heart hurts for you my girl, but I am also so deeply in love with you. You were my invitation, sweet Ruthie. I couldn't be who I am today or help others the way I get to if you had been any other way. I love you. I honor you.
I am so sorry for all the fucked up stories you believed about yourself. I forgive you for all the ways you unconsciously hurt yourself and others, and I'm so deeply proud of you. Your journey is so perfect, sweet girl, and one day… one day you’ll remember who you truly are.
You're writing such a beautiful story. If you had known how we would turn out you probably would have been horrified, ha! Not married, no kids, divorced, in love with God but not a Christian?! You would have thought the 42-year-old version of you was so lost and going to hell, but then you probably would have been confused when you noticed how free and happy I seem.
I wouldn't change one thing about you or all that you have in store for your life, sweet Ruthie. You will find out that hell isn't a place in the afterlife; you will live hell on earth being trapped in the stories in your mind. You will feel like you are a complete victim of life. You will be so unwell for so much of your life, but it will send you on the deepest journey of unlearning and remembering.
I love love love who you were and I love who you are becoming. All of it belongs, your journey is absolutely perfect, even if it royally kicks your ass. I promise you that all of your pain is not the end of your story. There is so much joy, pleasure, love, hope, healing, fun, laughter, and every other emotion under the sun that is coming for you. You will learn to feel all of it, to LOVE all of it.
Thank you 22-year-old Ruthie for being the most precious invitation to be this version of me today. Can't wait to see what the 42-year-old version of me invites in!
Love,
42-year-old you
If you’ve never tried connecting with yourself this way tTry writing yourself a letter. You get to tell that younger version of you everything you needed to hear. It’s so loving to offer that to every version of yourself, past and present.
Keep reading to see what’s coming in the Love’s Invitation community.
Join me in Tulum!
I am co-leading The Venus Retreat in Tulum on September 16-22nd. This will be such an amazing opportunity to invite us into a life of surrender and ease, instead of pain and resistance, of trusting instead of striving, beauty instead of struggle, dancing with life instead of suffering.
The Venus Retreat will be an embodiment experience of unfolding into love, beauty and ease. This retreat will hold a container for you to release heaviness and bask in the waters of presence, pleasure, delight, sensuality, beauty, love and ease. We would be so honored to go on this journey with you!
Have you listened to my conversation with Marlee Grace yet?!
We talk all about share about their journey of coming out as non-binary, about work, practice, creativity, spirituality, friendships, and much more. I think you will love this conversation. Here’s a clip!
You’ll have to tell me what caught your heart when you listen to the whole conversation!