Going Home
Hello beautiful soul,
Last week I got to go home to South Louisiana and visit my family for the first time in a year. It was one of the best trips I have had at home in a very long time. It was such a treat to spend so much quality time with each of my nine nieces and nephews, my siblings, and my mom.
I drove in late Tuesday evening and stayed up visiting with my mom way past both of our bedtimes. It has been so sweet growing closer to my mom over the past few years. The more healing I have done on myself, the closer I want to get to her.
She had her 75th birthday on May 16th, so on Wednesday, we all gathered at my brother Lile’s house who I have always called Bubbie or Bub. I had a really beautiful zoomed-out moment at her birthday party. I was looking around at all the kids, my brothers, and their wives, and thinking how perfect it all was. Everyone is living the life they were totally intended for–including me, even though it is nothing like I had planned.
As a child, when my friends and I would talk about who we wanted to be when we grew up, I always thought, “A mom!” And I knew I would be absolutely amazing at it! It felt like a sure thing to me that I would end up a wife with a few biological children and a few adopted children. In my 20s while married, every period felt like a betrayal of my body. Even with how horrific I was doing physically with my pain, I desperately wanted a child. Every time a friend or family member would tell me they were pregnant, I felt happy for them and so deeply sad that it was not my reality yet. I honestly felt like I was being punished by God. It all felt so mean and devastating to have such a deep longing since childhood and to not be able to have it. It almost felt like a betrayal by life to me at the time.
The past four years have taken me on such a beautiful spiritual path and what has become so crystal clear to me is that I am not meant to have biological children in this life, but I very much get to be a mother. For me that has looked like, first and foremost, me becoming the best mama to myself and learning how to re-parent myself.
This work has changed my life and it is a huge part of the work I offer to my clients. I also get to be a mother in the work that I do, a big part of the container that I create is very very motherly. I get to mother my friends, my nieces and nephews and so many of my friends' kids. I love that mothering for me has just looked so different from how I expected. I also date and have dated men with children and I can so see myself ending up with someone with children. I would be able to love them so well.
On Wednesday at my mom’s birthday, I felt so much deep gratitude. I love the life I get to live now. I feel truly in love with my life. I didn't think I would ever be able to feel this way. Everything felt so traumatic and painful for so long, and I believed I would be in survival mode for the rest of my life while suffering. I love that my brothers are leading lives that work so perfectly for them. My life is so very different from theirs. I know they don't understand a lot about it, but I see how we are all exactly where we are supposed to be. I wouldn’t change one thing. Truly. It's exactly how it's meant to be right now.
Here’s the thing, if you are feeling deep disappointment for how your life has turned out, or if there are deep longings and desires that have yet to be fulfilled, all of that gets to be here and be fully felt.
There is room for all of it! I have let myself deeply mourn not being a biological mom in this life. This isn’t some bandaid, toxic positivity to cover up that pain. I have let myself feel all of it, but it feels so beautiful to be in such a different place.
If you would have told 20-something Ruthie that at 42 I would be single with no children, it would have felt like the most devastating thing I could possibly imagine. Yet here I am today, in love with who I am, the work I get to do, and the life I get to live. It feels like a miracle worth celebrating. Especially since I wanted to die from the pain I had emotionally, physically, and spiritually for so long.
Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you for all the prayers that weren't answered (cue the country song). None of it made sense at the time but I honor the journey because it has invited me into being this version of me that I love.
I know there will be plenty of disappointment and hard things to come on this earth school journey but I also want to remind myself often that this isn't happening to me but for me. And there are still plenty of deep longings and desires in my heart, and I know there is still so much life to live. I can't wait to see what the universe has in store! It knows so much better than I do what I need!
Keep reading to see what’s coming in the Love’s Invitation community.
Join me in Tulum!
I am co-leading The Venus Retreat in Tulum on September 16-22nd. This is the last week to get the early bird discount.
This will be such an amazing opportunity to invite us into a life of surrender and ease, instead of pain and resistance, of trusting instead of striving, beauty instead of struggle, dancing with life instead of suffering. The Venus Retreat will be an embodiment experience of unfolding into love, beauty and ease. This retreat will hold a container for you to release heaviness and bask in the waters of presence, pleasure, delight, sensuality, beauty, love and ease. We would be so honored to go on this journey with you!
Marlee Grace joins me in our next podcast!
I am so excited to share this conversation with my dear friend Marlee. We share about their journey of coming out as non-binary, we talk about work, practice, creativity, spirituality, friendships, and much more. I think you will love this conversation.
Marlee Grace is a dancer and writer whose work focuses on the self, devotion, ritual, creativity, and art making. Their practice is rooted in improvisation as a compositional form that takes shape in movement videos, books, quilting, online courses, and hosting artists. I turned to their Newsletter Class to learn all about how to start this community here with you. It’s amazing! Learn more about them on their site or IG.
I can’t wait for you to listen to our whole conversation and hear what you take away!
There is a space for you in our Love Reflection Sessions
I have ONE space left in my June container for 1:1 Love Reflections. It has been beautiful to witness the transformations and breakthroughs of those doing this with me right now. If you are interested in doing one-on-one work with me, I’d love to have you and witness your transformation.
Little Joys Lately
I listened to Harry Styles’ new record the whole way home yesterday. So far Cinema is my favorite song!
If you haven't watched Love On The Spectrum yet, I can’t recommend it enough. It’s one of the most heartwarming, beautiful shows I have ever seen! It makes my heart want to explode. The third season just came out. I had my brother, his wife and 3 boys watch an episode with me the other night; we couldn't stop at one and ended up watching 3! It's just that good. Perfect for the entire family! So pure!