High Highs and Low Low’s in the past week
And what if there’s nothing wrong with either extreme?
Hi beautiful friend,
I was going to dedicate this post to the incredible retreat I had the honor of leading this past week. It was so unbelievably beautiful and expansive, and I do want to share all about it with you, but I also wanted to share the rawness of what Mother’s Day felt like for me. At first, I was thinking it needed to be one or the other, but then I realized how connected they both are.
I will start with the retreat. I gathered a group of former and current clients to come to Sparta, TN, to my favorite spot in this state. Eric and I had been there twice before and fell madly in love with this epic sanctuary. This is their Instagram account.
There is zero light or sound pollution. There are three gorgeous cabins, a sauna, a cold plunge, a hot tub, a fire pit, and even a barn with the most precious animals you can hang with. My favorite is gathering fresh eggs in the morning for breakfast! Magic is the word. All the ladies and I instantly felt our nervous systems start to calm just being on the property.
There was something so profound about bringing women together who have worked with me for an extended amount of time, who now speak a pretty similar language and are on such profound, expansive, wholeness journeys. I knew they would all absolutely adore each other, and I was not wrong! Seeing them bond, connect, and feel so held and seen by each other made my heart absolutely soar.
This was my first time doing a retreat with clients, and it will NOT be the last. I want to start doing this at least twice a year because there is something so potent in being in person, and for these ladies to get to connect with one another and feel less alone on their journeys. WHAT A JOY!!!!!
This was the first retreat that I have done without any outside assistance. Usually, I am at a retreat center where rooms and food are taken care of, or it is just daytime workshops. This time, Eric and I decided to do it on our own, which has been a dream of ours since we got together. It could not have gone any better!
Eric was there to cook all the food and to take care of all the behind-the-scenes needs, and he was a ROCKSTAR!!! It was so beautiful watching him in action. All the ladies felt SO cared for by him. I wish you could have heard the way they spoke about him and his presence and how healing it was for them to have him there. I cried hearing several women speak about what a safe and loving presence he was. We love getting to work together, and I count myself so lucky that I have such an incredible partner that I work so seamlessly with.
We dug deep all week, and these women fully showed up, opened up their hearts, and were so raw, vulnerable, and honest with one another. They allowed themselves to be seen and held, and we got to meet these places with so much love. It was also a deep remembering of how powerful and potent we are.
On Tuesday, we got to go to a private waterfall. Most of us got in the water fully clothed and squealed with delight over and over. We even let out a few primal screams. We kept looking at each other, saying, “Can you believe this is our lives? On a freaking Tuesday?!” I am OVERWHELMED with awe and gratitude for this great gift!!!
I came home and just rested and recovered. I was in awe of how well my sweet body held up after going nonstop for all those days and holding a lot of space, but this body is truly miraculous and did so, so well, amazingly!
I was honestly a bit surprised by how hard Mother’s Day hit me this year. It has been many, many years since I felt any sort of grief or sadness around this day, but this one rocked me really hard. I think my body was ready to feel another layer of grief for all the years I desperately longed to be a mother, and it didn't happen. For all the tears each time I would start my period. When another friend or sister-in-law would call and say they were pregnant again, and I was living in a bed, hating my life.
Crying on the bathroom floor, begging God to let me have a baby, and feeling like I was being punished because why would God put the deepest desire inside of me at the youngest age (as early as I can remember) to not let me have it? Despair would be the word I felt through much of my 20s and 30s. The endometriosis surgery, the fertility treatments — all so, so painful.
I also felt the grief of friendships that used to be so close. Once they had children, that became their world (of course), but I do not really see or hear from them much anymore. They mostly hang with other moms with kids (again, understandably). And it does not mean that it is not painful and a loss.
98% of the time, I am so at peace with not being a biological mother, but on Mother’s Day, I just felt sadness and grief. I cried and cried and could barely function the entire day.
For any of you who are feeling the ache of Mother's Day, I see you. If your relationship with your mother is a deeply painful one, if you have lost your mama, if you long to be a mother and it has not happened for you, if you have lost a child, if you are a mother and it is kicking your ass but you feel like you are supposed to just be grateful — if you are a single mother — all of your pain, all of your grief, is welcome here.
I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I am so sorry for your longings going unmet. I see you, sweet friend, and I love you. I am with you, holding you so close.
Nothing about what I am about to say is a band-aid. Because I truly believe two things can be true at once. I felt deep grief that I did not get to have children in this life or experience being a biological mother. I also got several messages from clients yesterday that had me in tears about the mothering I had gotten to offer to them and how I have gotten to mirror how to mother themselves.
It did not take away my grief, and I feel eternally grateful for the mothering work I get to do on this planet. Last week, I mothered an amazing group of women, and I know that is some of my deepest work on this planet. This morning, as I sat on the porch doing my morning pages, I cried thinking of all the animals I mother on a daily basis and all the children I get to love and care for.
I know I am a mother, AND I am sad I am not a biological one. Both are true today.
I love you, and I am so grateful you are here with me. Your joys, your grief, and your fears are welcome here, dear soul. All of you belong here.
So much love, Ruthie
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Speaking of pain, my dear friend Dr. Hillary McBride and I are going to host a live event on May 24 from 6-9 pm in Vancouver, Canada. If you are someone who suffers from chronic pain and wants to learn how to love your body and experience that pain differently, I hope you’ll join us there. You can learn more and register at the link below!
Your honesty nurtures us, your tender heart nurtures us, your curiosity nurtures us. Forever grateful to you, for you ❤️