I confuse myself with all my conflicting likes and desires
Finding space for both/and experiences
I’m headed to Telluride in July to co-lead a 3-day workshop. I would love it if you would join me there! If you want to learn more about it and sign up, please read my post about it here.
When I write these newsletters, I like to imagine that I am writing an email to a dear friend. And that is you. I love sharing with you the things that feel alive in me and the places that hurt, just like a friend would. I love sharing with you things that have moved the needle for me on my wholeness journey, just like I do with my closest friends. I share my heart, and I love it when you share your hearts with me. More than I can put into words. It touches me so deeply.
Something that I have been thinking about a lot lately is what a walking contradiction I so often feel. I love connection and humans, and I want to be alone or with animals and never see another person. I love my work, and helping others is one of the greatest honors of my life, and I want to give it all up to live on a farm with disabled animals. I so believe in the work I get to do speaking, teaching, leading workshops and retreats, and I am a massive introvert that is highly sensitive and it takes a TON of energy that can knock me out.
I love live music, but I can't stand large crowds. I want to meet more people and expand the work I am doing, and I do not want to network; I would rather be with Eric or in the woods with the trees. I love experiencing new things, new cultures, and new cities, and I am a total homebody who never wants to leave my house! I love sharing myself online and connecting with others there, and seeing people's creativity. AND I loathe social media, want to delete it and never use it again, and only communicate here through Substack.
I could go on and on, but HOW CONFUSING!!! All of these things are parts of me and very real and alive parts. Can you relate to that? I have brought this up with several friends lately, and they have similar feelings. What do we do with all of our conflicting desires and wants?
I have been trying to honor all of them. They all belong. And finding ways to have nuance and both/and experiences.
For example, I used to force myself to go to concerts because I love music so much, but I never really enjoyed them, then I went to a few house shows that were small and intimate, and I LOVED IT! Last week, I traveled to Austin to be on Keren Eldad’s Coached podcast (I will share it when it comes out). I made sure there was going to be plenty of time to be by myself, connect one-on-one with a dear friend, and also gave myself time when I got home to just relax and recover because travel and networking takes a toll on my nervous system.
I try to honor all of my desires and not make any of them wrong or bad, even if it is what society says it “should be this or that way”. Just a little musing of what I have been thinking about lately. How can you honor your different parts, allowing them all to belong and be here and not make yourself “wrong” for any of them?
So it was a very full week. I flew to Austin, stayed with a dear soul sister, recorded the podcast, and met some amazing men and women who are doing such gorgeous, transformational work in the world.
My dear sister Lisa Gungor came to town and stayed with Eric and I. Some of my closest sisters do not live in Nashville, so when we get to be together, my heart feels such a sense of deep belonging and love. Saturday morning, Lisa, Eric, and I went to the No Kings march, and it was SO kind and loving. I will always stand for caring for the needy, the poor, those seeking asylum from war and hatred. We are the richest country in the world, and not to help is crazy to me!
“When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself” Leviticus 19:33-34
I don't remember much about the bible, but that one stands out and rings true. I felt so grateful for such a beautiful group of humans standing up for what they believe in. More love, more love, more love. The rest of the day, Lisa and I hung out with one of our other best girlfriends, Audrey Assad, and her precious family. Audrey had another baby in the fall, and being around him and her other kiddos is such sweet medicine! We had the best time. I could not love these women more. I do not have a ton of people I let into my inner world, but those two have a permanent home in my heart.
Lastly, my dear sister Kate Northrup and her family moved to town, and I got to bring them dinner and hang out with them yesterday. I feel like Nashville just got even sweeter and more beautiful to me because that amazing family just moved to town! Having more of my wonderful friends living here feels like the greatest gift because Eric and I are committed to Nashville (at least as far as we know), and Kate's family moved 2 miles down from Eric's brother and sister's family farm! I'm so thrilled!
Such a full and wonderful week with travel and friends.
I hope you feel loved and cared for wherever this finds you today. That all parts of you feel welcomed (even the contradictory ones), all of your parts belong here, sweet friend.
I love you, I love us, Ruthie
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