My Sobriety Journey (More Than Alcohol)
Letting Go of Escapes to Embrace Life Fully
Hi beautiful friends. I wanted to share a bit with you about my choice to stop drinking. Christmas was the second anniversary of the last time I had a sip of alcohol and twelve years since I weened myself off heavy narcotics. I did not make a huge declaration two years ago that I would never drink again but honestly, I have only missed it a handful of times.
The few years before I completely stopped drinking, I had cut back massively. I would go months without it and then may have a drink or two and not drink again for many more months. I would have it out with friends, partly because I love the taste of great wine or a margarita in the summer, but I also started noticing that I used it when I was uncomfortable, feeling introverted or the biggest one was because I was in a lot of pain and I wanted to take the edge off. The problem was, that I would ALWAYS feel worse after and I would wake up in the night and be unable to go back to sleep, even after 1 glass of wine.
As far as I can remember, I have been a pro at not being present in my life. My earliest memories are in front of a TV with junk food. TV was my babysitter, entertainment, and my best friend. I did not start reading or get a phone until my early 20’s so until then, it was the easiest way for me to escape all the big feelings I was feeling and had no tools to process. The fear, insecurity, pain, etc, and all the feelings of lack and unworthiness. I am also highly sensitive and empathic and it all felt like too much. I learned how to numb myself so I did not have to feel overwhelmed.
In my mid-twenties, I had a wire from my previous spinal cord surgery break and pierce my brain stem (which we did not know about for over 5 years while I lived in intense amounts of pain). I will never forget the first hydrocodone I ever took. I LOVED it and it was prescribed by my doctor so I obviously needed it! Ha! I remember melting into the bed and thinking that it was the best feeling I had ever felt.
I did not have to feel the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain I was in (I was at the time working for a church but felt so disconnected from God and felt like a total fraud so that brought on its own shame). I was also in the first year of a marriage that I had unconsciously believed would “save me” and make me feel whole and of course it didn't. I was miserable but walked around with a perma grin on my face and never talked about my feelings to anyone (much less truly felt them, because I had no clue how to do that).
Narcotics got added to my sugar and TV addiction and my first iPhone came soon thereafter. I had so many ways to not be here and to check out from my life. Several mini breakdowns and 1 huge one sent me on a journey to ween off all the crazy amounts of narcotics doctors had me on. By the end, I was on the highest level of fentanyl, hydrocodone, morphine, Ambien, Cymbalta, nerve medication, etc etc etc. So many drugs that I blindly took because the doctor told me to and I never questioned it. I did not want to hurt, but of course, I hurt worse because I was a shell of a human living in a bed, I should say “not living” in a bed.
Two months after I weened myself completely off everything, my husband left and that is when I began drinking for the first time in my life at 33. It got to replace narcotics, though I was never a big drinker. It was always socially, but it definitely became another way for me to not be here. It took the edge off when I felt insecure, overwhelmed, or in pain physically or emotionally. I used it consistently for 7 years until the pandemic.
Because I was by myself most of the time I never drank (I never drank alone) and I noticed that I wasn't adding extra pain to my body. Covid brought a lot of clarity into my life of who I truly was (not who I was conditioned to be). I wasn't traveling, I was doing a ton of inner searching, spending so much time in the woods and learning and practicing embodiment for the first time. When I listened to my body, I noticed I felt way worse after I drank. It became less and less worth it to me.
The last two times I drank was over holidays with my family. I now have noticed how a lot of my coping mechanisms get really loud when I go home. Two years ago I decided to give it a permanent break after I had been dating Eric for a few months and he is sober from alcohol so it made less and less sense for me to drink. I have missed it a few times and it's only been when I am extremely stressed out and looking for an escape.
I am so deeply grateful for that decision. I have zero regrets. I want to be present in my life.
I still use my phone and TV as escapes too often. One of my intentions for 2025 is to have a much healthier relationship with screens. To create more than I consume which is a hard pattern to break. We did not create in my home growing up. AT ALL. We consumed a ton. So my new journey of sobriety is to have a sober relationship with consuming (books included, I read A TON and it for sure can be an escape for me).
I just started reading Martha Beck’s new book Beyond Anxiety: Curiosity, Creativity and Finding Your Life’s Purpose. I am only two chapters in and so far I am loving it. She talks about how we can't just stop feeling anxious, we need to replace it with creativity which feels SO TRUE. So here is to creating over consuming and feeling less anxious along the way!
Have you ever given yourself space from drinking or quitting? How has that journey been for you? Are you curious about quitting or giving yourself a break from it? I would love to hear your experiences. I feel like it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
I love you all!
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