Not Knowing How to Grieve Cost Me So Much
Join the Grief Ritual this Friday (2/28) at 12:30PM CT!
For most of my life, I had no clue what it felt or looked like to truly grieve. I knew how to ruminate and fixate on hard things that happened to me and in the world, but I had no clue how to actually feel my grief.
When I was seventeen, I was on my way to have my picture taken for being on the homecoming court. My precious dog Mia, who I had had since I was four, was almost completely deaf and blind, and had fallen asleep behind the wheel of my car. I backed over her and she died. If you know me at all, you know how obsessed I am with animals, so this broke my heart so deeply, and I had no clue what to do with that immense pain. So I shut myself down (and told people for at least 7 years that I hated animals! What a joke!).
My sweet heart was so broken, but I had no tools to know how to handle the grief, so I shut my heart down even more than it already was.
Two weeks later, I had my car accident, where I died and was in the hospital for almost a month (life support, and so much deep trauma, as you can imagine). I came home from my hospital stay with a huge neck brace that I wore for about 6 months. I never did counseling at the time and I had ZERO clue how to grieve or emotionally process what had happened to me. I completely shut down emotionally.
My eating disorder kicked up in massive ways (it felt like the only thing I could control, in my falling-apart world). I did not cry for SEVEN YEARS after my car accident and the loss of my pet. I was probably pretty disassociated before the car accident, to be honest, for many reasons, but I completely left my body after. My emotional state was never talked about.
I remember at the first anniversary of my car accident (I was a freshman in college) going home to go to church with my parents. The pastor commented from the pulpit how grateful he was that I was alive and sitting in the pew that day. I looked over at my mom and saw that she was weeping. I remember thinking, “What the hell? Why are you crying so hard? I am right here and everything is fine! She is so emotional!”
It felt so weird to me that she was crying! I would constantly tell people that the whole experience was way harder on my family than me because I could barely remember it! I would always talk about it in 3rd person like it had happened to someone else.
I had NO clue how to grieve all that I had lived through. I became a shell of a person. Shut down, numb, disassociated, checked out from life.
So much more loss and pain were to come - the wire piercing my brain stem, living in a bed for 7 years, losing my daddy to a freak fall, my husband leaving me, not being able to have children, debilitating chronic pain, etc, etc, etc.
Not knowing how to grieve caused me so much more pain - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. By not knowing how to grieve, I felt numb and disconnected from others. I had no clue how to feel my emotions. It increased my stress and anxiety. The more I suppressed my feelings, the more it manifested physically and emotionally in painful ways. I started having so many health issues - stomach ulcers, migraines, nerve pain, insomnia, depression, etc.
By not grieving, I was unable to accept the deep loss I had experienced, and I felt stuck in pain cycles, unable to begin the healing process.
This also really disrupted my relationships with my husband, my family, and my friends. I withdrew, isolated, and pushed people away but then felt so deeply alone. This is, unfortunately, so common because most of us were not taught how to grieve and we are afraid of what will come up if we let ourselves go there.
I have been slowly but surely learning how to let myself grieve what I have lived through in this life. Saturday night, I cried and cried to Eric grieving some deeply painful experiences and stories that are alive in me right now. That night, I slept like a baby. My body and heart felt so grateful to experience those tears in such a safe and loving container with him.
I am grateful to share that this Friday, my beautiful friend Michaela is going to lead a grief circle for my paying Substack community. Michaela has lived through the unfathomable loss of losing a child. This has sent her on a massive journey of learning to be with her deep grief. She now facilitates grief circles and helps others learn how to process, feel, and be witnessed in their grief. We would feel so honored to be in this holy space with you on Friday. There is so much to feel and grieve. There is so much individual and collective suffering in our world today and learning tools to move that and to not swallow it, is such a holy practice.
I highly recommend reading this post by Michaela from her Substack, Tender Realm.
I have seen this clip several times (starting at 4:03) and it always moves me so deeply. The way that Andrew Garfield speaks about the grief of losing his mother is so beautiful and true.
All the details of our Friday gathering can be seen below. If you can't join us live, there will be a recording sent out within 24 hours.
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Love’s Invitation Monthly Event: Grief Ritual
Grief Ritual with Michaela Evanow on February 28 at 12:30 PM CT
Michaela Evanow’s journey with grief has shaped much of her adult life, particularly after enduring a major spinal fusion at 16 and the loss of her 3-year-old daughter. Over 25 years, grief remained a powerful force within her, but it wasn’t until she embraced it that she found acceptance, healing, and a sense of hope.
As a grief-tending facilitator and mentor, Michaela helps others navigate their grief through embodied movement, the senses, and community connection. Her work emphasizes the importance of acknowledging grief and moving through it, fostering relationships that reduce loneliness and anxiety. In this workshop, we will be introducing some simple, accessible ways to acknowledge the grief in our lives, move it through us, and have the courage to reach out toward connection.
Love’s Invitation monthly events are offered to paying Substack subscribers.
↓Register Below For February 28↓
Friday | February 28 | 12:30 PM CT
You must register to get the link to join the event.