Shadow Work
What do we do when we feel stuck in patterns and don't know how to shift them?
I’m trying something new this week to have an audio option if you don’t have the time to read this post or if you prefer an audio format! Let me know if you like it and/or if this is something you would enjoy having accessible to you!
A few years ago I began a book called Existential Kink by Dr Carolyn Elliott. It absolutely blew my mind! She teaches the concept of shadow work in a really compelling way. If you have been around here long, you have heard me talk about parts work and shadow work, because it has so deeply impacted my life. It has also become a foundation for what I teach my clients.
The man I first studied was Carl Yung who famously said “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. These shadow parts of our lives are driving our lives and we think that is just how life is!
Listen to the full episode from A Little Crazy with my brother David Magee here.
Here’s a summary of what shadow work is:
The Shadow: We all have a "shadow" self, which is made up of the parts of ourselves we don't like or that society doesn't accept. This could be emotions we were taught are bad like anger, but also positive traits we're afraid to show, like creativity. If you were raised in organized religion, you may have been taught parts of you were sinful, dirty, or evil or your family may have been uncomfortable with certain emotions in your home. We know those parts did not just go away, they moved into your unconscious.
The Unconscious Mind: Our shadow self lives in our unconscious mind because it's too uncomfortable to deal with directly. But even though it's hidden, it still affects our lives in major ways. More than you can imagine. Just because we are taught something is “bad” or “dirty”, those parts of us do not go away - they move to the unconscious and direct our lives.
Integration: Shadow work is all about bringing those hidden parts of ourselves into the light and accepting them. This helps us become more self-aware and authentic. This is where we get to practice deep self-compassion and care for these parts that have worked so hard to keep us safe! For example, I used to LOATHE the disordered eating part of me. I would binge and binge and then hate myself for doing it. What I understand now is: that part that began so young most likely kept me alive in some of the darkest times in my life. Having a way to numb all the big emotions and traumas that I did not yet have the tools to deal with, was a small mercy in my life. Learning to befriend that part and really be with it, has helped it not be the driver in my life anymore.
Projection: We often "project" our shadow onto other people, meaning we see our flaws in them. Recognizing when we're doing this is a big part of shadow work. This is also the easiest way to recognize shadow parts in yourself. The things you can't stand or hate in another person is usually an unconscious part in yourself that you are not aware of. I used to be friends with a girl who lied constantly. I would hear her re-tell a story of an event that I was a part of and I would feel crazy because I would think, “What in the world is she talking about?” But guess who else has told so many little white lies to get out of things in her life??! ME!!! I could not stand a part of myself that I was seeing being reflected back to me! I have hundreds of those examples of seeing something I can't stand in someone else and then realizing it was also in me on some level!
Personal Growth: Doing shadow work is essential for personal growth and becoming the best version of ourselves. This work has truly become one of the most important parts of this healing journey. I no longer like to say actually that I am on a healing journey, instead, I like to say I am on a wholeness journey. Because to be whole means to invite all of my parts to be here. Whole means ALL of me and to commune with it with compassion and kindness.
How to Do Shadow Work:
Self-Reflection: Spend time getting to know yourself better through journaling, meditation, or therapy.
Mindfulness: Pay attention to your reactions and your triggers, especially when you feel overly emotional. These can be clues about your shadow.
Therapy: A therapist can help you uncover and work through your shadow in a safe space.
Emotional Acceptance: Learn to accept all parts of yourself, even the ones you don't like. This doesn't mean you have to act on them, but it does mean understanding where they came from and how they’re trying to protect you.
Benefits of Shadow Work:
Self-Awareness: You'll understand yourself better, including your motivations and fears.
Healing: You can heal emotional wounds and past traumas.
Better Relationships: You'll be able to connect with others more authentically.
Empowerment: You'll feel more confident and self-accepting.
Shadow work can also be challenging due to:
Discomfort: Confronting hidden or rejected parts of yourself can be uncomfortable and emotionally painful.
Resistance: Your mind may resist the process to protect yourself from pain, making it difficult to face your shadow.
Fear: There may be fear when you find your shadow, leading to avoidance and procrastination. (I have been a PRO at this in my life)
Time Commitment: Shadow work requires significant time and effort to self-reflect and process emotions but I promise you it is so worth it!
Lack of Support: It can feel isolating to do shadow work without support from others who understand the process.
I mentioned earlier that a book was very transformative for me. I have had so many of my clients read it and told so many friends about it! She was also recently on my dear friend Kate Northrup’s podcast. The book, Existential Kink, is about embracing your dark side and getting comfy with the messy parts of life. It's like, instead of running away from your fears and anxieties, you dive into them.
The idea is that we all have hidden desires and emotions that we try to ignore because they're uncomfortable or taboo. But by pushing them down, we actually create more problems for ourselves. So, Existential Kink says, "Lean into the weirdness!" Explore those hidden parts of yourself, even if they're a little "kinky" or taboo. It's about accepting ALL of yourself – the good, the bad, and the ugly. And by doing that, you can find more freedom, authenticity, and personal growth.
Here is an example of my lies:
I remember having a real, sobering experience reading the book Existential Kink, and thinking about the time in my life when pain moved in. I was about a year into my marriage, and surprise surprise, I did not feel saved. I thought by marrying my ex, so many of my insecurities and fears would just go away. I would no longer feel shame for the pre-marital sex we had and I would suddenly really enjoy it (neither of which happened). I was working for a church, that I did not feel any connection to God. I was just regurgitating what others had said about God. I told young girls that sex before marriage was sinful, so I felt like a total fraud for so many reasons. I did not like my life, my marriage, or my job.
Then all of a sudden, I started having debilitating pain because unbeknownst to me, a wire from my previous spinal cord surgery had broken and pierced my brain stem. I could not work, the doctor put me on narcotics (which I loved). I got to spend all of my time in bed, eating junk food, watching TV, and taking narcotics. I did not have to show up to a life I did not like and I was nurtured by people in a way my little girl self inside of me was desperately longing for. No one expected anything from me. I got a pass to a life I did not like. As miserable as I was (living in pain is horrific), there was a part of me that also loved it! Of course, all of this was completely unconscious. Understanding that there was a shadow part of me that got something out of it - that it may have kept me alive at the time, helped me release the shame I felt about that season of my life.
When we learn to bring care and compassion to these parts, we no longer have to let these parts drive our lives. That is a huge theme in Existential Kink - to move toward these parts with love and compassion and understand we got something out of them or else we would not have kept doing them! I know this can feel a bit out there if this is a new concept, but I ask that you keep a curious mind about it. Let yourself explore what this may look like in your own life.
I decided that this month's offering for my paying substack members with be all about shadow work. I want to teach you a few practices to help you bring these unconscious parts of yourself to the light with so much care and compassion that they no longer have to drive your life.
One other book I would recommend is called Romancing the Shadow: A Guide to Soul Work for a Vital, Authentic Life by Connie Zweig, Ph.D and Steve Wolf, Ph.D. I hope you can join me for the Intro to Shadow Work next Thursday, January 30th at 12:30 PM CT (new date!) Xx, Ruthie
Keep Reading For:
Intro to Shadow Work
Intro to Shadow Work
Join me for an intro to shadow work on January 30th at 1:30 PM Central Time on the new moon. As Carl Yung says, “Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” This is a chance to explore and integrate parts of yourself that are often repressed or hidden to try to keep us safe. These are often parts of our personality that we may not want to acknowledge or we may have been taught are “bad, evil, or sinful”. Shadow work is such loving and compassionate work and an opportunity to become more self-aware and accepting of yourself.
If you cannot attend live, the event will be recorded and sent out to all paid subscribers.
↓Register Below↓
Thursday | January 30 | 12:30 PM CT
