The Stories We Tell
I recently had an ex-partner write me an apology note. He called himself an amazing storyteller. He lovingly told me how he had made up a lot of stories about who I was that were based on his own pain and narratives. This confession gave me the opportunity to share all the stories I had told and believed about him that were based on my old trauma experiences.
It immediately made me think of this quote:
“We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” –Anais Nin
None of us actually see the world as it is, we all see it through our own lens. I realized this viscerally when I was going through my divorce years ago. We would sit in therapy and share our different takes on the exact same experience, and then we would look at each other like crazy people because we could not have had more opposing stories. It honestly blew my mind. How were we speaking about the same experience?!
I have been thinking about this so much lately. Like my ex-partner, I too, am an AMAZING STORYTELLER! I have believed so many stories. Stories learned through family, culture, the church, community, etc. Stories that, more often than not, were very limiting and judgemental.
There are so many stories I have known by heart that you could never have convinced me were untrue. Ones like, “I am a broken, depraved wretch in need of some God in the sky to make me worthy and good because my essence is bad and broken.” That message seeped into my cells. One of the strongest messages I was also taught: my worth and identity is in what everyone outside of me thinks and believes about me. When I came home from school as a child, usually the first questions asked of me were, “What did everyone say about you today? Did they say how pretty you are? What did they say about your outfit?”
I was conditioned to believe that what others thought of me was the entirety of my identity. If people thought I was beautiful, good, special, important, (name any positive attribute) I would momentarily feel really good about myself. Of course, that was always fleeting and it could never really satisfy me. And if anyone thought or spoke negatively about me, I would be gutted, devastated, or feel worthless. It was a miserable cycle.
This was exceptionally painful in my 20’s. My physical and emotional pain got out of control when the wire from my previous spinal cord fusion broke and pierced my brain stem. I began living most of my life in my bed, dependent on narcotics, binge eating while watching every shitty reality show that came on tv. I became completely identified with my pain. I was convinced that unless something outside of me “fixed” me I would be broken and in that bed for the rest of my life.
I felt so much shame every time I would have a breakdown. Intensifying this shame was feeling like everyone was talking about it. I had always been the “good” girl, but this devastation felt like a death, the death of that identity. All the ways I unconsciously played that role to survive–shrinking my emotions, signing silent contracts to get affirmation–were shattering. All at once I was losing my mind. I had left the church and was on the verge of divorce, which I thought was the ultimate scarlet letter. The story I believed by heart at that time was that my life is over. I did not believe I could ever recover from this. I wanted to die.
There would be many more identity crises and dark nights of the soul to come after that, more stories that would get to burn down. What I didn't know then was that this dark time would become a catalyst for drastically changing my life. All of these painful experiences would be my invitation to do such deep inner work, to begin the journey of looking inside.
I left my body so young to survive and that served my super empathic, porous body well. To begin to heal, I would have to come back into my body. As we know, the body keeps the score and all of our trauma and emotions are held in these beautiful vessels of ours. I remember hearing a shaman say a while ago that knowledge is just a rumor until it moves into the muscle. My whole life had felt like a rumor because I wasn't ever actually there. I was fearing the future, regretting the past or watching it all from 20 feet up, but never in my body. Every experience that I thought would be the end of me, my career, or my relationships, ultimately became the catalyst for transformation.
All that was never really mine in the first place but that I thought made me valuable–the people, experiences, identities–got to burn the eff down.
And oh, was it painful. Brutal. And I thank God for it constantly. I couldn't be the woman I am today if my husband hadn't left. I could not do the work I do today if I hadn't known the physical, emotional, and spiritual devastation that I experienced. Through all of that loss, pain, and trauma, Love was always inviting me into a new story. A truer story.
I love this quote by Marianne Williamson:
“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.”
I am constantly reminding myself that this healing journey is an unlearning of all the limiting beliefs and stories we have been taught. It is a remembering of how good, worthy, deserving, and loved we are. We are the love that we are looking for outside of us. We incarnate knowing this but we forget because of conditioned beliefs taught to us.
There is a very real part of me that still deeply cares what others think about me, but my highest, truest self knows that it's none of my freaking business what they think. I get to commune with, love on and feel that part of me in my body.
I love to hold my heart and instead of asking myself, “What did they say about you today?” I ask myself, “Sweet Ruthie, what does Love say about you today?” Love always says the most loving true things to me. This is a daily practice.
Everything in our world is going to tell you that something outside of you will make you matter. We have forgotten that we are valuable simply because we exist. Period. I forget constantly so I have lots of practices to help me remember.
Love Practices
I want to share a few practices I use to invite Love back in, when I am in a loop of shame and self-deprecating, limiting beliefs.
Loving All Your Parts Meditation
I practice my Loving All Your Parts Meditation constantly to be with those very human, very conditioned parts of me that still can look outside of me for worth and identity. These parts of me compare my work and my spiritual journey to others' journeys. This meditation helps me commune with and love those parts.
If you subscribed to this newsletter, I gifted you this meditation to support you too. I’d love to hear how it resonates with you.
Mirror Work
I love doing mirror work. As cheesy as it sounds and as uncomfortable as it may feel at first, this is truly profound healing work.
Start by making a list of everything you wish the most loving partner would say to you. Then sit in front of a mirror and look into your own eyes. (I usually look into my left eye because our left side is our feminine side and is more receptive). Now say to yourself all of the things you wrote down while gently, lovingly touching your face, hugging your body, or maybe holding your heart.
Our bodies and cells hear us. Usually, they hear the very limiting, conditioned stories we have had on loop. To counteract those stories and invite love and truth back in, mirror work is a profound practice to rewire your brain. And it truly is a practice. I did not believe a word I said when I first began, but now, I know it's true.
Also, as Dr. Hillary McBride taught me, our beautiful bodies do not know the difference between our hands and a partner's loving hands. The exact same hormone is released when we touch ourselves lovingly. How beautiful is that?! We get to say to ourselves every single thing we are longing to hear, touch our bodies in the way we long to be touched, and our bodies literally don't know the difference!
Invitation Of Love Live Podcast: First Episode Next Week!
I am so honored you are here my friend, thank you for going on this journey with me. I have so many things I am so excited to share with you! First being, if you are a paying member on Substack, you will have access to my Invitation Of Love live podcast each month (amongst many other things).
For the inaugural episode, I can’t express how excited I am for our first guest: Kate Baer.
Kate Baer is the 2x New York Times bestselling author of What Kind Of Woman. and I Hope This Finds You Well. Her work has also been published in The New Yorker, Literary Hub, Huffington Post, and The New York Times.
I only just found Kate’s work this past year and I was instantly in love. She is the queen of taking very limiting stories meant to shame and reframing them to invite love in to tell a truer story. For example:
Do you have questions for Kate? I would love to hear them, and you can submit them here. We’ll have space within our conversation to ask Kate questions from you.
So join us on Sunday, February the 27th. If you haven’t subscribed to access this yet, you can here. We’ll be sending out the links to join our conversation live later this week. And yes, you can access the replays if you’re a subscriber!
Things I Am Loving
I recently signed up for Maryam Hasnaa’s New Earth Mystery School (@newearthmysteryschool) and as a Highly Sensitive Person and Empath her teachings have been like a salve to my tender heart.
I have been listening to this song on repeat ever since my friend Chelsea sent it:
My new friend Marlee has a newsletter that I am in love with! I also took their newsletter course before I started on Substack because I was so moved by them. What a precious, raw, beautiful human they are. I highly recommend signing up for their newsletter and following along with their Instagram. This is an example of their beautiful, raw, truthful writing:
I just finished reading Call Your Daughter Home, by Deb Spera, a fiction book that follows three fierce Southern women in an unforgettable story of motherhood and womanhood.
I am starting The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck and I am already loving it. Here is an episode she did on Glennon Doyle’s podcast that blew my mind.
I listen to this playlist most days while doing my ceremonies. It is perfect for rituals and setting intentions.
One of my best friends Audrey Assad has a kick starter out right now that ends this week. Audrey is one of my dearest soul friends, sister, teacher, guide. She has taught me more about unconditional love and acceptance than anyone I have ever known. Her voice is the voice of an angel. She channeled this song for a friend of ours over the summer (wrote it in 10 minutes) It has been on repeat for me. I highly recommend going to a quiet place, taking a few deep breaths and imagine this being a conversation between you and the divine. You can back Audrey's Kickstarter, and help her reach her goal.
A Card For Your Week
I drew this card for you and it felt very applicable for this newsletter. I love to remind myself that things are very rarely exactly what they seem. I would love to hear if this message lands for you.
I love you all so much and I am truly grateful to have you here. So much goodness to come. Thank you. Thank you. You are love, you are love, you are love, you precious human.
XX, Ruthie