This Father's Day was different from ever before
My father passed away unexpectedly on April 15th, 2009. He was on his way to see me and tell me that he would sell our farm if he needed to so I could have life-saving surgery. This surgery would remove a wire that we had just discovered was piercing my brain stem (a complication from when I died and broke my neck twelve years prior). I had been living in my bed for almost five years at that point in so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. Insurance was not going to cover said surgery because it was a pre-existing injury (our healthcare system is insane).
So to say the least, I was already in a very dark place, on every narcotic under the sun, hopeless and depressed, and then to have my father pass away on top of it all just felt like the biggest FU from the universe. How was I supposed to go on without my daddy??!?!? I felt so abandoned by life, by God, and then my dad was now gone too. I was so unwell and all I wanted to do was die for a very long time.
It is honestly a little hard to remember that version of me. I'll have moments of amazement at how far I have come from that hopeless girl living in her bed.
One of those moments was this past weekend when I went home for a family reunion at my brother Tim’s house. He now lives on the farm where we all grew up.
It reminded me of the most amazing thing that happened in 2019 which was ten years and one month from the day my daddy died. We found out we had a half-brother through one of those DNA tests that my daddy never knew about. He had gotten a girl pregnant in college and back then girls so often got sent away to have the baby and it was never talked about (I can’t imagine how traumatizing that was for her). He is the most amazing man, he looks, acts, and talks more like my dad than me and my full brothers do! He even does similar work!
The most amazing part was my brother Tim already knew his daughter pretty well from when he was a camp doctor at Alpine Camp for boys and she was the nanny for the owners of the camp. My whole family just fell in love with her and had no idea she was family!
Last weekend my half-brother David, his kids, and their kids all joined the Lindsey crew for the most wonderful weekend gathering.
I kept getting teary thinking about how we were all alive because of my daddy. He has 5 great grand-children and 12 grandchildren from his 4 kids.
Watching the big kids playing with all the grandchildren touched me so deeply. They adore each other as do all the parents!
I have missed my dad every day for 15 years but getting to have a piece of him back through my half-brother David has been one of the sweetest gifts of this life. He also is sober as is his son Hudson which is such a gift for Eric. To have other people that understand the sobriety journey is truly priceless.
This Father's Day felt like a gift. I didn't feel sad as I often do,
I only felt grateful. Grateful for my daddy's life, grateful for my fiance Eric (I truly believe my daddy orchestrated me meeting him from the other side), and grateful for the legacy that Lloyd Lile Lindsey Jr. left behind. What a gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Daddy!
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Learning how to bring radical self-compassion and care to myself, to the places of deep shame and self-loathing has been instrumental in my healing journey, as has learning to embody myself and to be in this present moment. It has made all the difference, and I’m so excited to share that with you in this offering.
I like to think that this container is a place of deep remembrance and unlearning. Unlearning of all the the stories of what is so “wrong” with us and remembering our worth and divinity simply because we exist. This is our birthright, joy and pleasure, and feeling all of your feelings is your birthright!
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