Trying Things That Scare You
Hi beautiful friend,
I apologize for sending you this newsletter late. There has been a lot going on over here. I am back though, and excited to connect with you through this newsletter every 2 weeks again. Thank you for your patience with me.
Lately, I have been communing with the part of me that loves to be in control. I did not realize until literally less than two years ago that I am so controlling. As I’ve connected with this part of myself though, I have become aware that control is a trauma response. When we don’t feel safe and regulated within our bodies, we try to control our environment or people outside of ourselves. This runs so deep within me that I can literally tell if one thing has been moved in my home. I never felt safe in my body until I began doing embodiment work, and so I would try to control everything and everyone around me to create a sense of safety.
When I realized this about myself I immediately thought, “Oh my GOD! My poor ex-partners!” I had no idea this part of me was trying so hard to be controlling! It was completely unconscious. I remember dating a man off and on from 2018 to 2020, and my biggest complaint about him was that he had big time control issues. What I didn't realize was that I was actually so activated by this because it was exactly how I was! I couldn't see that yet, so instead I judged the shit out of him, ha. Poor guy. (I have since apologized.)
So…here is one of the ways I am learning to release control and tend this part of myself lovingly. I am taking salsa lessons! I know that doesn’t sound like much, but here is why it is a big deal for me. I have always always loved to dance. It is one of my favorite things ever, but I have never done partner dancing. Why?! Well, I also struggle with perfectionism (which comes from this need to control things) and never want to be bad at something. I used to not ever try anything that I thought I wouldn’t be good at. What a joke! How sad for all the things I didn’t try because I didn’t want to look dumb! Not to mention, when you partner dance, you have to release control and let your partner lead you. That stressed me out even thinking about it!
About a year or two ago I started pulling many cards that would reference me dancing with the universe, releasing control and letting myself be led, letting myself look silly, releasing my need to have it all together, etc. It's what got me thinking about how I have not ever tried partner dancing…because I was afraid to do those things. I got a chance to change this in September when I was in Mexico co-leading a retreat and we decided to go out salsa dancing one night. During the first hour they had lessons (for people like me), and then the band started playing and all the locals flocked to the dance floor. I decided I was going to take the lessons and then say yes to anyone and everyone that asked me to dance. (Even if they were teeny. I’m 6 feet tall and tower over so many of these beautiful latino men. A younger version of me would feel insecure about that but this version of me doesn't give a shit.) So that is exactly what I did! I said yes and I had the best night ever. I didn't have a clue what I was doing, but I danced all night long and I let different men lead me. I was clumsy and silly and it was perfect! My co-leader and I were the last ones from our crew on the dance floor sweating from head to toe! I had an absolute blast letting go, laughing at myself, releasing control and just playing! That night I decided when I returned home I would begin taking lessons, and that's exactly what I have been doing.
I see my perfectionism come out on the dance floor. I get annoyed with myself when I mess up, and then I giggle, reminding myself to just have fun and that I am not supposed to be any good at this yet.
These days I am really pushing myself to try new things, things that scare me, things that push me out of my comfort zone, like dating and dancing. (I am dating more than I ever have in my life.) It is such a great practice of releasing control.
How about you? Do you see ways in your life that you might be controlling? Have you tried anything new lately and let yourself practice your beginner's mind? Comment on this post to share. I’d love to hear about it!
Keep reading to see what’s coming up in the Love’s Invitation community.
Try something new with a single 1:1 Love Reflections Session
In honor of trying something new, I’ve decided to offer single Love Reflection sessions outside of my 8 and 12 week coaching containers.
If you’ve been craving space to be seen, guidance for loving yourself, a shift in your healing journey, then this session may be for you. In our session together, we will do practices to get back into our bodies, allow all of ourselves to be here, and help shift your mindset around tough emotions and hard experiences.
My calendar is open for December, so book today! Learn more on my website and book your session here.
Join me for a tea ceremony in Nashville this winter!
I’m so excited to be offering in-person tea ceremonies at my home again starting in December. A tea ceremony is a beautiful embodied opportunity to connect with yourself, the elements and the divine through ceremonial grade tea and Oracle cards that I’ll pull for you. I also always make sure to leave time for integration with me after tea and cards. These are one-on-one sessions and each ceremony session lasts 1.5 hours. Learn more and inquire to book your tea ceremony.
The Next Live Gathering: Full Moon Release on 12/7
Join me for the last full moon of 2022 on Wednesday, December 7 from 6-7 PM CST. we can release what doesn’t serve us anymore and honor all the year has taught us through ritual and dance.
This is a special live gathering for all paid Love’s Invitation subscribers. If you’re not already subscribed, you can do so before the event to join us!
To letting go and trying new things!
XX,
Ruthie
Hi Ruthie,
Thank you for the most lovely newsletter! I love that you wrote about dancing, and losing control through it. I actually also took Salsa lessons last year (!), but whenever I would go out dancing at clubs, some people would remark how stiff I seemed, not letting myself go. In hindsight, I think I was focusing too much on the moves, wanting to do them just right, and listen to my partner as a guide.
Your words have paved the way for reflection, and I’ve noticed different ways I am controlling: I have focused on achieving “perfection,” saying the right things at the right time, looking a certain way, acting a certain way, etc. But humanity is so beautiful when it’s messy and raw and real. I want to work on letting go so I can be freer and a fuller version of myself. Thank you for the reminder!