We are Engaged!!
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Well, this has been a HUGE week. Originally this newsletter was going to be about the 15th anniversary of my papa’s passing, which now feels like such a celebration of his life and not something I deeply grieve. I always listen to recordings that my dad left my mom and I. That day he said how thrilled he was to be coming to see me. I feel such deep gratitude for his life and the life he gave me, which feels really beautiful.
But what I am here to tell you instead is, I AM ENGAGED!!!!!! I am blown away and so, so grateful and excited! The hilarious thing is, about a month into dating Eric, I told him very definitively that I would never get married again. That story changed about a month into dating him! I had never known a love like this and to be honest, I don’t think I had ever truly been in love before (I thought and said I was two other times) but this was an entirely different experience and feeling in every way.
I remember in 2013 when I got engaged for the first time, I laid awake all night panicking because I kept thinking, shouldn't I feel differently? Shouldn't I be thrilled and not panicked/numb? My friends describe something so differently than this. I was very disassociated and we were mostly getting married because we felt shame for having sex. He was/is a very kind person but our dating was mostly that, nice and kind. We were young, absolutely clueless, and doing the best we could with what we knew.
On Friday, we both took the day off from work and headed to Tim’s Ford Lake for his mom’s 70th birthday celebration with his entire family. We decided to take one of our favorite walks through the woods before packing up. We have this area in the park that we love to go to where four beautiful trees have grown together and have melded in many places, to make the most magical environment. I have spent so much time with those trees over the years.
We always stop by to see them, so I did not think anything of it when we did that day. He began hugging me like he always does and saying the most loving, precious things like he always does (so I honestly did not think anything of it because I am lucky enough to get this sort of love and affection every day). Suddenly he gets down on one knee. Truthfully, I have no clue what he said because I was so shocked! Not that he was proposing per se, we have known we would commit to each other for well over a year, but I did not expect it that day at all! It was so very us, low-key, in the woods, and surrounded by trees. It felt perfect and just so precious, simple, and beautiful. He told me he had called my sweet mama the night before to ask for her blessing. I know without a shadow of a doubt my papa was all over this because I truly believe he brought Eric to me. I know he is so proud of the man that he is and the love I get to experience in this life from him.
Eric wanted my opinion on the ring because I do have a pretty particular aesthetic (don’t all enneagram 4’s?!?) so I had actually picked it out a while ago. My very favorite jewelry designer is Communion By Joy, I wear several pieces of hers every day and never take them off. This includes a dove ring I wear in honor of my papa, and a Mother Mary necklace all my friends went in together to get me. They bought the necklace when I did a beautiful ceremony three years ago in the woods, surrounded by friends between me, my body, and God, and a ring I bought myself for that ceremony.
The moment I knew I would marry Eric, I wanted Joy to design my ring because everything she does feels so sacred, holy, and ethereal.
After we got home, we told some of our closest friends and family. They made us feel so loved and celebrated. We then drove to the lake house to surprise his mom and dad and It was the most precious thing. They were all so thrilled for us. So many of his family members did not think he would make it to 40 when he was in the throes of his addiction, and we both went through absolute hell and back to come to a sense of wholeness in this life (which we will be doing that work until the day we die). I am so in awe of the man he is today, of the work he has done on himself to get sober and to unlearn so much of his conditioning. I am so proud of myself for the unlearning I have done to go from a woman living in her bed wanting to die to the person I am today. We both say constantly, how the journeys we have been on, as brutal and heartbreaking as they have been, brought us to each other.
Last week Eric told me, I don't stay sober because I am with you, I am with you because I am sober! Absolutely. I truly believe our insane journeys helped us find each other and not a minute too soon. I would not have chosen him even a few years ago because of my own conditioned bullshit and thank God for the unlearning and embodiment work I have been doing. It has brought me the most incredible man, perfect for me. I kept hearing myself on Friday saying Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God on repeat. All of the insanity both of us lived through and created for ourselves was a crucial part of our journey of breakdowns to breakthroughs. I am so freaking proud of us for doing the wholeness work we have been doing and will continue to do!
One of my favorite things about Eric is his curiosity and willingness to dive in wholeheartedly with me. He is a forever student of Earth School with me. We have taken courses together, done our first intensive couples retreat together, and just signed up for a 2-2 coaching with the most incredible teachers I have ever known, starting in the new year for 3 months. He and I both have our own healing work, attending counseling and seeking guidance from individual teachers. We also enjoy doing the work together, which makes me feel deeply loved and cared for. I feel like the luckiest woman because I get to do the second half of my life with Eric Wilkins. Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!
Happening Soon: Deconstruction Live Event: What it looks like to create a new and more expansive type of spirituality after leaving a religious system that you were once a part of even after possibly throwing the baby out with the bathwater. We will be meeting on April 25th at 12:30 PM Central.
As a reminder, this event is part of our monthly live offering for paid subscribers - only $6/month, you can sign up using the button below and then come back to this post to register!
I would love to have you join live, there is something really special about being in person with each other and there is plenty of time for Q&A but if you are unable to, you will get the recording the next day. Link below to sign up. xx