What I Am Feeling Really Proud Of
Celebrating Growth: Finding Clarity, Courage, and Joy Through Life’s Messiness
Hi beautiful friend. Happy Tuesday. I wanted to share a little peek into my life right now. It is so easy for us to focus on all the ways we fall short. All the ways we have screwed up, but I think it is so potent and powerful to celebrate the things we are proud of. There is almost a currency, especially among women, to put ourselves down to make others feel better.
I remember when I was younger a friend would say how fat or bloated she felt and I would say, “You look incredible, look at my belly, I am way more bloated than you”. It was our way of trying to compliment someone but in turn, we were putting ourselves down. Let’s stop doing that ok? To let our friends and community celebrate with us is such a precious thing. So today I want to share a few things I am feeling really proud of myself for.
Something has been shifting in me. I have been through many, and I mean MANY dark nights of the soul. I don’t personally believe in a physical hell but I very much believe in a mental hell. I know hell very well in my mind. I believe hell is the illusion of separation from ourselves, our true nature (which is love), from the Divine, and from all beings, animals, and the earth. When I feel all alone and abandoned by life, I am in my own form of hell. I have been in that state a large majority of my life. Thankfully, in the past six years, I have also experienced many forms of heaven on earth. To be honest, this past year has been a lot of mental anguish. I have felt so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. I have felt trapped in my body that has hurt so, so deeply. Trapped in my limiting thoughts.
But here is the thing. Pain is a guarantee in earth school. No matter who you are, you will experience pain, but suffering comes from the stories we tell ourselves about that pain.
I have suffered so deeply over the tormenting thoughts that have run through my mind, but I have started feeling this major shift. It is not at all because the pain has gone away. Far from it. I have just started thinking about it differently.
I recently read The Way Of Integrity for the THIRD time and it is dropping in even deeper this time (I rarely read books more than once besides Harry Potter) but this book feels like nectar to my soul. It cuts through so much of my bullshit and just gets to the TRUTH! I wish it were required reading for the world. Integrity is one of my core values and reading this book helped me see certain areas of my life that were not in complete alignment. I feel parts of me dying away that do not fit anymore. I feel my work changing and shifting. I believe that when things do not work out the way we planned we are either being prepared or protected. Things are dying because the new truer me is ready to emerge.
Old limiting beliefs are really beginning to shift. I have been meditating twice a day. It has always been hard for me to stick with meditation but I am sticking with it and it feels amazing! I am so proud of myself! I am doing so many nervous system practices throughout my day to help me regulate my emotions and body and I can honestly tell a big difference. Things that usually would have me bent out of shape are not feeling as activating to me.
Additionally, I am also going twice a week to my dear friend’s house to get trained in Functional Patterns, I have been doing this since last spring. It is for people with chronic pain. It has been very slow work and I have felt very resistant to it at times but I have stuck with it and I am slowly but surely starting to see little tangible results. I am feeling my body get stronger. I have struggled to stick with things in the past but even that does not fit anymore. I am keeping promises to myself which is building trust within myself.
I have started gaining clarity on what does not work for me anymore- friendships, how I spend my time, certain ways of eating, forms of entertainment, etc. I am in no way being militant about any of these things, I am just noticing if my body feels expanded when I do things or more contracted. If it feels more contracted, I am moving towards the things that expand me. I am not saying this is easy. People around you really may not like it. But to be in integrity, which again, is my core value, I may have to disappoint people.
There are friends I choose to not hang out with anymore (not making anyone bad or wrong, it just doesn’t feel good in my body, so I am walking away). This has felt really scary at times but it also feels so right and true. Another thing I have been meditating on a lot is how can I bring more presence, pleasure, and play in my life. Those things help me release more oxytocin (the bliss hormone) and the more I experience that, the less I release cortisol (the stress hormone). This is not some bandaid at all. This means being present with what is.
If grief is here, dance with grief, really allowing myself to feel it and move it and when I do, I have an oxytocin release on the other side. Have you ever felt a lot better after a big cry? That is what I am talking about. I recently heard Emily Fletcher say, “Bliss is fully allowing yourself to fully feel a feeling. It is not pushing it down, numbing it, or avoiding it. Bliss comes from fully feeling it.”
In 2012, I heard the quote, “The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain” by Khalil Gibran. I loved that because I thought, “Wow! I have really suffered in this life, I am going to feel so much joy!” But I never really got to the joy part because all I did was think about all of my suffering. I told stories about my suffering, I never actually felt the sorrow and the pain. Joy comes from fully feeling it! I finally understand what he meant by that. The deeper you allow yourself to fully feel and embody your sorrow and grief the more joy you can contain!
I saw this post the other day and it landed so very deeply for me from Dr. Zach Bush, who I had the honor of meeting in 2019 when I spoke at a conference in Telluride. He has become a great teacher to me. We must feel the grief but there is so much life on the other side. Think about how often we apologize for crying. How many times have we picked up a crying child and said you're ok, stop crying, it's ok. You're ok. Instead of letting them cry it out, and not feel ok in that moment, help them co-regulate. But we aren't comfortable with kids' tears and pain because we are not ok with our own.
I am feeling proud of myself because I have been practicing feeling these big feelings that are coming up. I am practicing being “with what is” and not trying to change it, which is massive work for my controlling and co-dependent parts. I am proud of myself for keeping promises to myself and building trust within myself; for sticking with my meditation practice and functional patterns workouts for 7 or 8 months! I am proud of myself for opening my heart to Eric and allowing myself to receive his love; for pushing myself to do things that have been scaring the shit out of me. I have worshipped comfort for most of my life.
I hate feeling uncomfortable so I have played small in certain areas because of the fear of being uncomfortable. But you do not grow that way. So I am putting myself in more unknown uncomfortable scenarios and seeing what miracles God has for me on the other side. There is a saying that the deeper resistance you have around something, the greatest breakthroughs you have on the other side. I see that over and over. I used to not be able to look at my bank account or my monthly reports because I would feel so much fear and shame, and now I have so many systems in place so that all the money that I steward has a place to go and I reconcile my accounts every single day and it feels freaking amazing! My head is no longer in the sand! This is a HUGE deal for me (thank you Kate Northrup and Relaxed Money for being such an amazing teacher!!!)
Thank you for allowing me to share some of my wins. This is by no means me saying I have arrived somewhere. Things are still messy and human, but it is really fun saying the things we are proud of and allowing our community to celebrate with us.
My ask from you is, what are you feeling proud of yourself for today? I would so love to hear from you in the comments. I want to cheer you on, to celebrate the shit out of you. There is nothing too small. Maybe it is hard for you to think of something and maybe that is your invitation to think about what today can you allow yourself to be proud of?! My favorite part of my birthday weekend was we all went around and share things we were proud of ourselves for and it was freaking HOLY!!!!
I am proud of this community. The kindness that lives here. The love that lives here. The willingness to learn and grow together that lives here. I love you, I love us.
Love you and all of your parts your precious human, Ruthie
I am proud of myself for stepping into the spaces and circumstances that I have zero control over and choosing to move through them as authentically as I can, no performing, no “I should feel this,” no “I am expected do that…” Just existing and feeling in the moment-to-moment, whatever that looks like for me, is a win.
I love this post so much! So beautiful to read the ways in which you are celebrating yourself, amazing work!! I have been working a lot on expanding my capacity to celebrate myself and connecting that to a feeling of pleasure in my body (where there used to be embarrassment or shame) so this one resonates. Today I am feeling proud that I am still putting myself out there in dating/romance even though it has historically been soo uncomfortable and challenging for me. I have so many wounds around intimacy and the process can feel really overwhelming for my body. My comfort is to be alone and in my safe space so continuing to show up with my resistance is a big growth edge for me. I feel like things need to look or feel a certain way and when they don't I get scared. I am also so scared of getting hurt. My heart is the most sacred part of me and her protection of me shows up a lot when dating, which is beautiful, but can also create much resistance. A lot of these feelings are being reflected to me as I date right now and I am so proud of myself for being present with all that is coming up, moving slow, and tending to my parts with care. Honestly a lot of your love journey and the way you've written about it has been inspiring for me Ruthie so thank you so much. Sending hugs