Coming up in 2 weeks! I’m hosting a weekend retreat, “The Sacred Rebel Retreat”, at The Art of Living Center in Boone, North Carolina from April 12th-14th. You can find all the details here. Would love to have you join!
It's been over 15 months today since I last had a drink. I never saw myself as someone who struggled with alcohol, it took 33 years before I even had a drink. It just never appealed to me and I hated the taste. Growing up in South Louisiana, everyone I knew drank, but it just wasn't for me. I guess I was always a bit afraid of the consequences, especially seeing what my brother went through with underage drinking. My dad was pretty strict, and the thought of disappointing him was terrifying, I had the fear of God in him.
While I never got into alcohol, I did rely on a cocktail of narcotics for those 7 years in my mid-twenties when I lived in my bed. I didn't think much of it at the time because, hey, my doctor prescribed them. (I still prided myself on not drinking, ha!) But my life took a turn, I stopped living in my bed after my ex-husband left and I had weaned myself off of all the narcotics. I decided it was time to learn to like the taste of alcohol, it helped me forget about the pain I was feeling, both physically and emotionally and it made socializing easier (I used to think I was an extrovert, which makes me LOL today).
Looking back, I realize how much I leaned on alcohol, especially when I traveled. It almost became routine to have 2-3 glasses of wine to take the edge off. It's crazy how normalized it all felt.
With COVID, everything took a different turn. The travel stopped, and so did my usual social outings. Occasionally, with friends, I'd have a drink, but the aftermath wasn't pleasant, and I had terrible sleep. As I explored embodiment tools, I tuned in more to my body's cues, realizing it disliked alcohol. With enough physical pain I’ve dealt with, the thought of making my body feel worse really didn’t seem worth it.
I found that I'd only drink occasionally, and each time, my body would remind me why it wasn't worth it. I'd go months without drinking, and it felt liberating. Then, in the early fall of 2022, I met my current partner, who is sober from alcohol. His journey inspired me deeply. Being with him and not drinking felt so natural, especially since I had already scaled back any drinking by then.
The last time I drank was Christmas in 2022, with my family. While it was fun to connect with them in that way, I felt terrible afterward. That's when I decided to embark on a journey of sober curiosity. It wasn't something I broadcasted; it felt more like a personal dialogue between me and my body.
Now, I'm not swearing off alcohol forever. If the occasion arises, like a trip to Italy where natural wine calls me, I will have it! But for now, sobriety feels like the most loving choice for me. I've adjusted my habits, going to bed earlier, avoiding bars (which were never really my scene anyway), and immersing myself more in nature, especially during the pandemic.
There are some friends I don't hear from as often now that I don't drink or go out like I used to. It's easy to make up stories about not being as fun anymore, but those are just stories. The good it has brought into my life far outweighs any of those stories.
I still have my ways of avoiding pain – like burying myself in my phone, indulging in comfort food, or escaping into books. As Gabor Mate wisely said, "Addiction is a sane response to an insane world." It makes so much sense that we would try to numb all of the pain we have experienced, even if we know it does not ultimately ever work.
I can still get very overwhelmed by all that I feel in this precious, incredibly sensitive body, but I also have so many more tools now to help regulate myself. I know my feelings are asking to be felt not numbed but there are times when I want to numb it all. I think that is all so very human! Today, I feel like a truer version of myself. I'm shedding the conditioned masks I once wore for belonging, and instead, they are being exposed, communed with, and loved on so that they can fall away.
I've come to cherish the friends who have embraced this truer version of me like precious gold. While my world may have shrunk a bit, the connections I've retained and the new ones I’ve drawn in, feel deeper and more meaningful. These days, I find myself spending more time with my incredible partner and enjoying more solo time that my introverted part so desperately needed. Spending way more time in nature, gardening, and more time with animals and children which feels so precious to me.
If you have ever questioned your relationship with alcohol or have wanted to have a more conscious relationship with it, maybe this is your sign. Reducing drinking can have a positive effect on your physical and mental health.
A few resources that I think are amazing is my friend Holly Whitaker's book Quit Like A Woman and Not Drinking Tonight: A Guide to Creating a Sober Life You Love by Amanda E. White.
I love you, I love us, I love the parts of us that seek to numb the pain. OF COURSE WE HAVE! That is just the most human thing ever, and at some point maybe we realize it isn't working so well for us anymore. If that is you and this resonates with you, please know that I am with you. I see you. You are not alone. You can always always always ask for help. You are worthy of living your fullest, richest life here in earth school! We all are!
Love love love, Ruthie
Love this. I stopped three months before you, maybe something was in the air. :) I started with Annie Grace's - "This Naked Mind" and the incredible Laura McKowen's "We Are The Luckiest". It's been such a wild ride. One of the strangest parts is being present for everything since, so it feels like just yesterday but also a million years in between. It's truly a gift, thanks for sharing your journey.
Love you! Happy 15 months+ happy to have a sober curious friend in you